Always
by GreenGirl111
Summary: "After all this time?" "Always." The hidden scenes of Snape and Lily through Hogwarts. Snape/Lily, Marauder era.
1. Chapter 1

This was going to be a oneshot, but then I realized how ridiculously long it would be, so here's chapter one (more of an intro, it gets better). Updates will be fast, because I already have the next 10 chapters written out.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or locations, or anything associated with Harry Potter, that's all J.K. Rowling's

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><p>"After all this time?"<br>"Always."

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><p>I see her again. The girl with the hair like fire, and the skin like milk. The one with magic, who is unfortunately accompanied by her horse-like, cruel sister. But I couldn't have finally met her today anyway. Her looking so beautiful in her light blue sundress with black leggings, and me wearing too-short jeans, and a shirt so ugly I have to cover it with my father's huge coat. Not a good way to meet the girl of your dreams, so I stay behind the bush I'm watching from. I haven't been able to get any new clothing in awhile, with my father out of work, and always yelling at my mom. She has little time for me because of this abuse. Lately, all they've done is fight. They fight so much my mothers magic is weakening. But at least father no longer has time to hurt me like he does my mom.<p>

I'm glad I looked back at the girl at this thought, or I would have missed seeing the redhead, flying higher than possible on the muggle swing, do an amazing dismount in an arc through the air, her hair billowing around her, and a fiery look of joy on her face. I watch with glee as she lands lightly on her toes, reminding me of how a young doe steps, as if not even touching the ground. Her sister is now yelling at her, like a common muggle would do, with such an ugly hatred for magic, which I find quite beautiful. This girl embodies magic, she glows with it, letting its beauty out through her. She giggles, showing off her white teeth, that are normally covered by her soft, pink lips. I wish I could go to her, to see her form words with those soft lips up close.  
>The girl comes closer to me, running like a deer,. I hold my breath, thinking she has spotted me. But she has spotted a lily, just five feet from my bush, lying on the ground. She has a mischievous look. She waits until her sister comes into view, before making the petals open and close like the fluttering of wings. Her eyes show pure wonder and joy, and my heart starts fluttering.<br>"Stop it!" her sister shrieks like a banshee. The moment is over, the light is gone from her face, and my heart aches to make her happy again.  
>"It's not hurting you." But she drops it anyway, starting to gaze around the park, bored of her sister's criticism.<br>"It's not right, Lily" Her name is Lily! It fits her, the paleness of a white Lily's petals matching her skin, but the brightness of orange and pink one's matching her soul. The other sister has a look of longing on her face. "How do you do it?" I can't take it anymore, the stupidity of the sister. How else but magic? Surely their parents have AT LEAST explained and demonstrated this? I step out from behind my bush.

"It's obvious isn't it?" I regret coming out immediately. Not because of her sister's reaction of screaming and running away. No, that was enjoyable. But I startled Lily, and I see her eyeing my over sized coat and hair in need of a trim. Last time I'd wanted a haircut I had foolishly asked my father, who was drunk. He ended up cutting of all of my hair.  
>"What's obvious?" Strange, she can't be as dense as her sister, surely she must know what she does is magic. Unless...but no, she can't be on. I attempt to enlighten her.<br>"You're...you're a witch." I whisper so her sister will wonder what I've said. But instead of joy on her face, she looks annoyed.  
>"That's not a very nice thing to say to someone. " She marches off, crushing my heart with every step. I try to explain, running after her. She must believe me, she must. Even if she is muggle born, I try to explain.<br>"You are a witch!" I've been watching you for awhile." I go red when her eyes widen at this. Her green eyes...so captivating I almost forget what I'm doing. "My mum's a witch too, and I'm a wizard." Her sister laughs, a sound like a horse braying, but in a higher pitch. I swear it could shatter glass. And then this girl dares mock me and my family! They live at Spinner's End! I almost retort, but I catch myself.  
>"Why have you been spying on us?" She sneers.<br>"I haven't been!" I've been...observing! "I wouldn't spy on you anyways, you're a" I put as much venom and contempt into this word as possible, knowing she won't know what it means, "muggle!"

"Lily, come on, we're leaving." Lily sees her sisters expression, and gives an over the top glare at me, making sure her sister sees. She does a dramatic exit with her sister, looking over her shoulder back at me. She mouths "wait." For Lily, I'd wait all night.

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><p>I encourage you to use the review button, located right below this sentence :D<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

I'm so sorry you guys my power's still out from the hurricane this is actually the first chance I've had.

Disclaimer: I do not own these incredible characters.

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><p>I'm lying on the grass and looking at the stars when she returns. It must be at least eleven. But she came! With a grin on her face. Lily, grinning at me, her smile shining, her pale skin glowing in the dark, her hair cutting through the night.<br>"I'm sorry, don't mind Tuney, she isn't very open-minded."  
>"It's okay, I'm used to people like that."<br>"Who?" Should I tell her?  
>"My father." I could never keep anything from her, not with her looking at me like that, with her bright green eyes.<br>"I'm sorry." and she looks like she means it. "So are you telling me the truth? Am I a witch? Is that why I can do what I can do?"  
>"Yes."<br>"And you're a wizard?"  
>"Yes. And my mom is a witch."<br>"What about your father?"  
>"My father hates magic, and all who possess it." Lily looks upset by this.<br>"Even you and your mother? That's horrible!" I'm close to tears, and I start shaking. My jacket slides a little, and Lily gasps. She probably just saw the ugly bruises on my neck. I struggle to fix my jacket, and to not let my tears fall. Suddenly Lily pulls me into a hug. She's warm, and her skin is soft. I breath in her hair, and it smells like cinnamon, pine trees, and wild flowers. I'm not sure what to do with my hands, because I've never been hugged before. I leave them at my sides. When she pulls back, she looks me fiercely in the eyes. Her green eyes to my black ones. We're blushing.  
>"It'll be okay, don't worry." She says this with such conviction, I almost believe her.<br>Almost.

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	3. Chapter 3

Another one hopefully soon.

Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter

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><p>"Please?" she whispers, her eye swelling, blood pouring from her nose, and her arm bent at an odd angle. "Please don't do this." But he's drunk.<br>"Yer used magic! I don care who fer, yer used it." He slaps her, and my mother collapses. My father spins around quickly and grabs my neck, strangling me.  
>"Yer no bedder wid yer magic. An yer scrawny, an weak. No un will ever love you, you pathetic excuse fera son!" He stumbles and lets go of me as he falls, and I run before he can hit me, and insult me more. I leave my mother by herself.<p>

I run straight to Lily's house, and throw a rock at her window. A few minutes later...  
>"Sev?"<br>"Please let me in." she must hear the desperation in my voice, because, still unseen, she sends down a jump rope, which I struggle to climb up. I climb through her window, and only now does she see that I'm crying, and that I have fresh bruises around my neck.  
>"Oh Sev..." she looks on the verge of tears, "what happened?"<br>"My dad, saw magic, hit her, then me, I left, I-I ran-" I gasp that out before no longer being able to continue because I'm crying so hard. I left my mother by herself, and Lily knew it now.  
>"Sev, you did the right thing. You can't go home now, you'll have to stay with me." she gestures to her bed. "There's enough room for two." I'm glad it's dark, because I'm blushing through my tears. I hesitantly climb into her bed. Lily gets in as well.<p>

I'm practically hanging off the end of the bed, trying not to touch her. But she grabs my hand, and pulls me a little more onto the bed. She takes her other hand and brushes the tears from my eyes. Her hair splays out around us, and her green eyes still shine out in the dark.  
>"You're so pretty Lily." I blurt out quietly, then try not to gasp at what I've just said. How could I? I'll be sent out of her house, to face my father-" She smiles and squeezes my hand. She strokes my hair until I fall into a peaceful sleep.<p>

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	4. Chapter 4

Sorry for the wait!  
>Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.<p>

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><p>I find Lily already waiting for me in our alcove in the trees. She looks radiant with joy.<br>"I got in I got in! And look what we need to get! Where do you get...oh no not again!" My lip is split, and my eye is black.  
>"I got in too."<br>"Did he do this because you got in?" I nod. "But why?"  
>"My mom used to say it was jealousy of our powers. Now she's too scared to say anything." Lily looks angry.<br>"When did he start doing this to you." she looks like if she finds out, she'll go and beat him up. I can't tell her, she'll get hurt. I shake my head. Lily starts to cry.  
>"Lily, please don't...I mean...I just don't want you to get hurt..."<br>"How can he do this to you?" she gets out between sobs, "His own son?"  
>"I'll tell you how. I'll tell you how it started. It started when my mom lost their second child, who would have been my sister. And my father can't handle grief well, he needed someone to blame. His grief turns to rage. He was mad that she hadn't used her magic to keep it alive. He hated magic even then. He said it was her fault. The baby should have lived, and she had killed it. And that murderers don't go without punishment. When he said that, he slapped her. She broke when the last of his fingers had slid off her face." Lily, who had before been looking at me in horror, was now looking confused.<p>

"I don't know how to explain it, really. She just...broke. She's never been the same since. I can't put the pieces back together, I've tried. The only one who could possibly do that is my father, but he won't. He likes her broken, he never liked her spirit, her pride, her strength. So he took it away. I saw my own mother break, the one who'd told me to be strong, the one who i knew would never speak up again.  
>I don't know how it happened, I was just so filled with rage at my father...he dropped down, collapsed over himself, he screamed...it was like he was being tortured. And when I watched, I felt...pleasure." Looking at Lily, I quickly added, "But it wasn't on purpose, me doing that. I'd just at that moment wanted nothing more than for him to suffer like my mom was. How she still is."<br>"I understand."  
>"But it didn't last for long. And when he recovered, he realized it had been me. He...hurt me...I don't want to say..."<br>"It's ok Sev, you don't have to."  
>"And that was my first showing of magic." After a long pause, Lily whispers,<br>"It must be horrible, having a dad who hurts you when you show who you are. And my parents were so happy when they heard..." she starts to cry again. I panic, I don't want Lily to be sad, her bright green eyes turning dull and red, her silky pale skin getting splotchy. So I think of how Lily really is, the Lily that is radiant and happy.  
>And out of me, comes some sort of a mist. It forms something, and the more I think of Lily, the brighter and clearer it gets. It's a silver deer, soft and gentle, with eyes that are silver, but that shine green, the same green as Lily's. It walks over to Lily, and she reaches out to stroke it's nose. Amazingly, the mist holds, and she pets the soft fur.<br>"Sev, did you do this? Did you bring the doe?"  
>"It's you who brought it. You are this doe. When you run, and your feet barely touch the ground, when you laugh, gently and softly, when you smile, and the light reaches your eyes. You're magical, like a doe."<br>"Sev, promise me something. Promise we'll never be separated? Not by school, or anyone, or anything?"  
>"I promise."<p>

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	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter  
>The flashback takes place after their first meeting, but before he goes to her house after his dad flips.<p>

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><p>"This is the day." I whisper as I look at the scarlet train before me. The time has finally come where I get to leave my house for nine months to learn magic. With Lily. Together, in Slytherin, and we'll be best friends all through school. Nothing will be able to come between us. Not after those days in our alcove, the days after our first meeting.<p>

_"...and the Ministry of Magic can punish you if you use magic outside school..." she interrupts me._  
><em>"But you've seen me, I have done that!" As she says this the trees around us start to shake.<em>  
><em>"It's alright! They let you off when you're a kid because you can't help it." She hears this then drifts off, into her own world, twirling a twig. She looks beautiful with her eyes so far away.<em>  
><em>"It's real isn't it?" She asks suddenly, "Hogwarts? I mean...because Tuney says you're lying. But you're not lying, are you?"<em>  
><em>"No, Hogwarts is real. For us anyway, not for your sister. We will get letters!"<em>  
><em>"Promise? Even though I'm muggleborn? Does it matter?" How can I tell her that blood is everything? But maybe she's an exception. She must be one. She isn't a mudblood. She's special. She's Lily. And I look at the hope in her eyes...<em>  
><em>"Blood doesn't make a difference. I promise." Lily claps happily, beaming, and quickly kisses me on the nose. Even though it's only a second, and not on the lips, I can feel how soft and sweet her lips are. Her eyes widen suddenly.<em>  
><em>"I, er, have to go." And she runs off, leaving me so happy I could fly."<em>

I see Lily fighting with her sister, and then Petunia's clearly said something mean, because Lily starts to cry and then runs onto the train. I hastily hug my mum goodbye, and run after Lily.

"Lily, what is it?"  
>"Tuney, sh-she found out w-we saw h-her letter, about her w-wanting to c-come to hogw-warts, and th-then she c-called me a fr-fr-freak!" She starts crying harder, and I hold her protectively.<br>"You're not a freak. Magic is special, and it scares some people. It causes others to react cruelly to the one's they love. Like my father does. But you're not a freak, you're magical. Now come on, let's find a compartment.

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><p>We end up choosing one with only two others inside. A boy with messy black hair and a well kempt look, who was talking to a boy lounging casually and looking bored. The train starts moving, and Lily waves out the window to her parents.<br>"This is it!" I say, barely controlling myself, "We're going to Hogwarts!" Lily smiles, making my heart pound harder. "And we'd both better be in Slytherin." Lily nods, but then the boy with the messy hair interrupts.  
>"Slytherin? Who'd want to be in Slytherin? I'd leave, wouldn't you?" He addressed the lounging boy.<br>"My whole family's been Slytherins." he says dully. I'm glad, the other boy needed to be taken down a peg. I already disliked him. "Maybe I won't be. I'm hoping for Gryffindor, because nothing would annoy my family more."  
>"Me too!" I can't believe this.<br>"Well, if you'd rather be brawny than brainy-"  
>"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" asks the bored looking boy. Lily glares at them both.<br>"Come on, Sev, let's find another compartment." They laugh as we exit, mimicking Lily's soft voice cruelly.

We find an empty compartment, and sit down.  
>"I'm nervous, Sev." Lily admits, "What if we're in different houses?"<br>"We won't be." I say firmly, "And even if we are, we'll still be best friends. How about after the sorting, we stay back in the Great Hall after everyone leaves, in case we're separated?"  
>"Okay, Sev. Sev, we should probably change now, I think we're nearing Hogwarts."<br>"Okay, I'll wait outside while you change-"  
>"Don't be silly, we're friends, I trust you not to look." That makes one of us. Feeling very embarrassed, I try to pull my robes over my clothes, so I can change from underneath.<br>I fall over backwards, because I've tangled myself in my robes. Lily looks over, her robes draped loosely over her, and laughs. She comes over and starts untangling me. When she touches my skin, it burns like fire. Her hair forms a curtain over her face, her long fingers carefully adjusting my robe, and helping me out of my other clothes once the robes are over me. She then ties her own robes tighter, and we leave the compartment, ready to be sorted.

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><p>I'm so, so, so sorry for the long wait! School's been hectic. Review!<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

Again, I'm CRAZY sorry! I have two research papers and three books going here, updates may be a little slow. And sorry for typos, but checking it translates to me posting it next week.

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter, or "just once" which wasn't on purpose.

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><p>Lily is several students ahead of me in the line to be sorted. Unlike the rest of us, she looks determined. Scared, but determined. The boys from the train, whose banes I've learned are James and Sirius, are trying to look bored with this, but I can tell they're scared shitless. I know I am, but just about being separated from Lily. We can't be separated.<br>I can't think that. "Think something pleasant, think something pleasant..." I mutter to myself.

_"How are things at your house?" Lily asks. We're sitting under a roof of leaves that we are suspending with magic, while the rain pounds down like drums on top._  
><em>"Fine." I reply. I don't want to bother her with the truth. Not yet. Water starts dripping through the leaves.<em>  
><em>"They stopped arguing?" Arguing is a nice word for what they're doing, a less one-sided, painful word.<em>  
><em>"Oh no, they're still arguing." My shaky emotions cause the leaves to fall out of their dome-like places, and the rain pours in, drenching us. I hurry to put my coat over Lily. "But it won't be long before I'm gone. I'll be at Hogwarts with you." And with the rain pounding down, Lily leans forwards slowly, her eyes locked on mine. She stops inches from my face, giggles, and shoves me playfully. She knocks me over, and we fall onto the wet grass. She pulls back off of me, grinning, then runs like a doe, through the rain, leaving me and my coat in the dust.<em>

"Abbott, Bert!" The sorting has begun.  
>Apparently, Sirius is a Black, so it comes as a surprise when he gets his wish and is sorted into Gryffindor. THere is no one else I know until Lily is called. She walks up bravely and puts the old hat over her red hair, and it flops down to cover her eyes. Before I can begin praying for her to be Slytherin the hat calls "Gryffindor!" Did I hear right? How can she be a Gryffindor? I thought maybe Ravenclaw, but I was sure we'd be together. We still can be. We have to be.<br>A pale boy named Lupin who I'd seen talking with James and Black was sorted into Gryffindor.  
>"Potter, James!" James is a Potter, of course he is. Both of her parents are famous aurors, and he must be filthy rich. And I saw him eyeing Lily before...but she's too smart to fall for the likes of him. Right?<br>"Gryffindor!" He's with Lily. He's with Lily. He's with Lily along with Black. I can't lose her to them. I have to get Gryffindor. Screw my family, Lily's more important than them, and everything we believe. So when I'm called up, I try to act all noble, arrogant, and stupid. When the hat flops over my face it says,  
>"Hmmm sly and cunning, you would be best in SLY-"<br>"Wait!" I yell inside my head. "I want to be in Gryffindor."  
>"You have no Gryffindor traits. All you have is a strong desire to be with a girl previously sorted."<br>"We're meant to be together."  
>"Don't you see? You're complete opposites. And your houses should be as well. SLYTHERIN!" My life is over. Without Lily, I don't want a life. I barely notice the prefect Lucius Malfoy pat me on the back, or the talk of a rebel group for us Slytherins to join, to put muggles and mudbloods in their proper place. All I wanted was for Lily to be here with me, was that too much to ask? For ONE thing in my life to go right? She sees me watching her, and I mouth "wait," and she nods.<p>

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><p>Pushing the little blue button makes me happy :D<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry! I fractured my wrist, if that's any excuse...

Disclaimer: I don't own HP

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><p>"Sev, they can't do this, it's no fair! I don't want to be a Gryffindor, like Potter and Black. All brawn and no brains, just like you said!" She's on the verge of tears.<p>

"I was wrong Lily, Gryffindor is for the fearless, the brave, not just the brawny. A lot of smart people are in Gryffindor, I'm sure! Besides, you wouldn't like Slytherin, there are a few people who are pretty nasty in my house. You're perfect as a Gryffindor, the house is better with you there." And I realize I believe it myself.  
>"But I don't want to be alone." Her voice is small, scared.<br>"I'll never let you be alone. We'll stay together forever!"  
>"Promise?"<br>"Promise." She grins, "I'm just glad the sorting's over, I was so nervous-"  
>"You didn't show it."<br>"Oh good, I hoped I wouldn't. Anyways, as few Gryffindors aren't so bad, like Mary Macdonald and Alice...what's her name again? Oh well and Remus Lupid seemed okay except he was talking to Potter, so a few points must be deducted for that..." I smirk at that, and Lily continues to ramble, her eyes bright. Eventually, she goes silent. Both of us look at each other and in that one gaze we have an understanding. Nothing will ever stop out friendship. Nothing can separate us, no person, no sorting, no argument. We are each others for the rest of our lives. And in that look that passes between my black eyes and her wide electric ones, we decide that we're not going to our dorms tonight. The stars are too bright, the sky too clear, and our hearts too close. Tonight, we are sleeping on the floor of the great hall. And so she curls up against me, and my arms wrap around her, and we gaze up at the universe.

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><p>I know it's short, the next will be longer! Review!<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

Sorry for the wait!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

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><p>Potions is my favorite subject. And not just because I excel at it, but because Lily is also in it with me. Lily, Alice, Mulciber, and I share a table. As usual, Slughorn is fawning over Lily's potion, even though mine is just as thick and yellow. But I don't mind, because seeing Lily smile at the praise makes it worth it to me.<p>

Today Lily is partnered with Alice, because she told me privately that Alice disliked Mulciber as a partner. As usual, they are talking about Frank Longbottom, and Alice's hopeless crush on him. I wonder if it's only Alice who doesn't notice he likes her back.  
>"I'm sure he'll ask you to go to Hogsmeade with him, he's just being shy."<br>"I really thought it would happen last night, when he was wearing..." Around that magical word is when I usually stop following, so I focus back on the potion. I finely chop the oak roots and stir the right amount of times, then add the blood of a bowtruckle. Our potion turns the navy blue it's supposed to, while Lily and Alice's is several shades lighter, probably due to Alice slipping with the knife and adding too much slug skin in. However, Slughorn appears not to notice.

"And we have a winner! Lily, you've done it again! Best in the class, as always." He hands her the small flask of potion, which was today's prize.  
>"I needed that." Mulciber growls.<br>"Good job, you two." I say to Lily and Alice, knowing Lily will share the potion with me if I want.  
>"Yours was better, Sev. Can you help me with the potions essay later?"<br>"Of course!" I say, because I always do. She smiles at me, giving me the feeling I never get over. Then Mulciber interrupts.  
>"We should have won that. Don't help her, Snape, let the filthy little Mudblood fail by herself." Alice gasps at the word "Mudblood" and gets up from the table, dragging Lily away with her. Lily looks confused as she waves goodbye awkwardly to me.<br>"I know Mulciber, but...it's complicated." I run after her.

"Lily!" I find her sitting down next to Alice, who seems to be trying to patiently explain the insult, with little luck.  
>"So, he's insulting...my blood-type?" Alice throws her hands in the air, then sees me and glares.<br>"Why didn't you defend her?"  
>"You didn't give me the chance! I would have, but you dragged her off!" In truth, I have no idea what I would have done. Lily means more to me than Mulciber, but if I defended her, no Slytherin would ever talk to me again. I'm glad Alice took her away before I had to decide.<br>"Hey Alice, can I talk to you?" Frank has just walked up, looking very nervous.  
>"Sure no problem!" Alice replies quickly. She looks guiltily back at us and mouths "sorry" as she hurries after Frank.<p>

"I don't like Mulciber, Sev, he's so stuck up. And he bullies all of us Gryffindors!" Lily pouts.  
>"He's not that bad, once you get to know him." I reply weakly.<br>"I don't know what a mudblood is," she says slowly, "but if it's a bad thing, then I don't see how you can like him. Unless you think I'm a mudblood too."  
>"I don't!" I really don't, Lily's the exception. Her magic doesn't have to come from her blood, it comes from her heart. It shines out of her, wrapping all around her in her warm magical light. She's not a mudblood, she's Lily.<p>

"You promise you'll never be like Mulciber? You'll never call me a mudblood?"  
>"I promise." In the background, we hear the high pitched "YES!" of Alice.<p>

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><p>Review please!<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

So sorry for the wait! Enjoy!  
>Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter<p>

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><p>"SEV!" I sit up abruptly, looking around. "Get up Sev! Library, 10 minutes, with all of your gifts!" Lily had insisted on charming my pillow so it was like a muggle talking device, and so she could wake me up. Second year magic at least...<p>

I hurry to dress and then I use 'wingardium leviosa' to bring all my gifts to the library with me. Lily is already waiting there, wearing a green and red bow for the holiday.  
>"Lily! I thought you were going home?"<br>"I changed my mind," she says airily, "But I promised to go home for Easter." I know she's staying for me, and a I feel a rush of gratitude for her. She didn't have to, but she _chose_ to stay with me.  
>"Sev, open yours first!" I obey.<br>My first gift is from my parents, but I can tell my dad didn't even know about it. I rip open the envelope first.

Happy Holidays Severus

-Mother and Father

Inside was a pair of gloves. My best present in years, which my mom had to struggle to get past my father. I smile over the small present, and slip on the gloves. Next I open one from the three Black sisters, all older and in Slytherin, who have taken a liking to me, Narcissa especially. They gave me some chocolates and a coupon for a free butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks. The Prefect, Lucius Malfoy gave me a sneak-a-scope, and a letter that encouraged me to join some group he was part of, the next meeting being right after Christmas break. Lily looks annoyed by this, but I secretly think I'll join.

Avery and Mulciber got me several books on the dark arts, which look promising, although Lily wants me to throw them out. Mary and Alice sent me a card, but I think Lily put them up to it. Last is the present from Lily.

Inside is a small book about potions. Also inside are two boxes. I take out the big one first. Charmed to rotate in a circle slowly, are about 10 potions.

"They're all the potions Slughorn gave to me that should have been given to you. The boil one, a cure for hiccups, the best is the verita-"

"Thank you Lily." And she can see by my face how much I mean it.

"I'm just righting a wrong. Open the last box Sev!" I slowly pick up the small box that fits cupped in both my hands, and open it. Inside is a miniature doe. But it's different.  
>"You're always saying I'm like a doe...so I found one that I think will remind you of me."<p>

The doe is soft and gentle, with a reddish coat, and lovely, bright green eyes. She nuzzles my finger. "I know it's not much, but-" I lean forward and hug her.  
>"It's perfect. Thank you." She smiles.<p>

"It's my turn now!" Lily has far more presents than I do. From her parents are cookies and a warm sweater. Petunia sent no letter, but instead a handmade string bracelet, which Lily put on right away. From her muggle friends, Lily receives, to her amusement, a magic trick set. To my annoyance, from the marauders she got a bag of Zonkos goods. Lupin had sent from himself a few worn books he considered worth reading, one of them a muggle book on witches, which was apparently quite funny.

Potter had sent candy and a note asking Lily to go out with him. I must have looked shocked, because Lily explained this had been going on for awhile. It worries me though. Potter is popular, talented, and just more well liked than I am. A fellow Gryffindor who also wants her, why would she choose me over him?  
>"I wish he'd stop though, Sev, he's getting annoying. And he and Black are so mean to you!" I relax.<p>

From Alice, Mary, and a few other girls, she gets candy, books, jewelry, a set of wizard chess, and a potion that's said to make your hair shine (like she needs it!).

Lily opens the gift from me and gasps. It's a locket covered with small gems.

"Open it," I instruct. She flips it open, and inside on the top is written 'Lily" in gold. On the bottom is a moving image of the sky above, like the one in the great hall.

"Sev, it's beautiful! How did you afford this?"

"I have my ways." Ways like doing Mulciber's homework for a month, selling a dark spell I created to Bellatrix Black, and sneaking three books out and in of the restricted section of Lucius. "I made the part on the inside though."

"I just love it Sev!" Come on, lets go break in the chess set!

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><p>Reviews are loved :)<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

So sorry it's so short...  
>Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter<p>

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><p>After my first meeting with the group of Slytherins, it became clear I was in the right place. The dark lord and his death eaters, putting muggles in their proper place.<br>I desperately want to become a death eater. I'm a useful member of the group, teaching them new dark spells I've created, showing them ways to manipulate people with magic. I make them complex potions far beyond anyone else's abilities that wipe memories, remove bones, and rot flesh.

The only problem is Lily. She doesn't approve of the group at all. After all, her whole family is muggle. So I keep it from her for her own good, and the good of the world. I think she suspects, but she never brings it up. I see her less, but not by much. I manage my time well. Her other friends don't like me, and mine her, so it's always just the two of us.

She loves testing limits, finding secrets in Hogwarts, such as a room on the fifth floor that only we can get into, and secret passages across the school. We often go into the forbidden forest, and watch for centaurs and unicorns. When we find a wounded creature, she nurses it back to health. When I worry of werewolves, she laughs.

She's only so free around me, I've noticed. On Potter's attempts to ask her out, she is rigid. This makes me happy, knowing she can be herself around me. Trusting me so.  
>But I still can't figure her out. Does she like me like I like her? Does she just want to be friends? Is she messing with me? Or is she unsure herself? But I'll have the whole summer to figure her out. Away from distracting people, and work. Just Lily and me.<p>

And Petunia...

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><p>Reviews will speed up updates!<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

Updates should be faster now, sorry for the wait :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

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><p>The summer was a blur. A blur of climbing trees, running in the grass, hiding, laughing, crying, whispering. On nights when my parents fought, I would sneak into Lily's room, and sleep next to her, like the first time. On days when Petunia was home, we took shelter under the trees.<p>

On some nights we just slept under the stars, not needing to talk, because there were no words to describe that sky. Rain and wind didn't bother Lily. She danced in the rain, and flew in the wind, closing her eyes and leaping from the swing, letting herself be carried.

Lily blossomed that summer, like a flower. Her hair grew to be all the way down her back, she grew taller, more beautiful and mature, and even braver. Lily would climb the tallest trees on the thinnest branches, then jump down as I begged her to be careful. Lily found joy in jumping, it gave her such a thrill she didn't care where she would land.

Lily made Petunia so jealous, she simply ignored her. She was jealous of her courage, her kindness, her beauty, and above all her magic. We once caught her waving Lily's wand, as if she thought the wand would give her powers. Like such a muggle could do magic!

My favorite night that summer was the one we spent in the woods, in the rain. All night we climbed and whispered, laughed and dreamed. She flitted like a ghost in the moonlight, a mysterious smile on her face.

Mysterious. Another word that fits Lily. A mystery to everyone. She appears to not hide anything, but you don't understand what she shows you of herself. Lily. My magical, mysterious doe.

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><p>Review :)<p> 


	12. Chapter 12

Yay for fast updates!

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><p>In our second year, the school announces to our surprise that there is going to be a ball this halloween instead of the traditional feast. All attending the ball must wear a mask and dress robes or a dress.<p>

"Sev, will you help me choose a mask?"

"Only if you help me!"

"Well, I'm wearing a black dress with a purple and gold sash." We look at the table laid out holding masks for us to choose from.

"That one." I tell Lily. She sees it and smiles. It's purple and delicate, with the ends curved up, and gold gems studding the eyes.

"It's perfect Sev, thanks! Now, what color are you wearing?"

"Um, black?"

"So..this one!" One of the simpler ones, not fancy like Lily's. It's plain black, with a thin rimming of dark green.

"Thanks, Lily! And...you know how you're supposed to, you know, go with someone to the dance...?" I'm too scared of rejection to continue. She's looking at me like I'm an idiot. "If you don't want to, I mean-"

"Well of course we're going together Sev! Why would you think otherwise? Oh there's Alice, I should help her with her dress, I'll see you!" And she rushed off with her mask, leaving me struck dumb. If it's so obvious that we would go together...is there something between us other than friendship? I doubt it. Why me over others? Over Potter? But still, going to the dance together will be a good place to start.

We plan to meet at the bottom of the stairs at eight. I get there early, wearing simple black dress robes that are hopefully not noticeably second hand. Avery and his Slytherin date walk by, and for a moment I feel a pang of guilt for bringing a muggle born Gryffindor, but I mentally kick myself for thinking that. There's no one I'd rather go with than Lily.

When she appears, I gasp. Her long red hair is in a knot on her head, with strands hanging down to frame her face. The dress has no sleeves, and shimmers softly. The sash matches her mask, and her green eyes contrast beautifully.

"Sev, you look great!" I snap out of the trance she'd put me in.

"Thanks..you look incredible Lily." She blushes prettily.

"Come on Sev, let's get a good spot on the dance floor!" Luckily, I actually can dance.

Lily dances passionately, laughing, a fire in her eyes. She sways with the music, becomes the music. I do my best to keep up, but she outshines everyone dancing. The music turns slow.

"Do you wanna..?" I ask, unable to finish. Lily smiles, stepping closer. I put my hand on her slender waist, and hold her other hand, while her hand holds my arm. We move with the music, our eyes lock the whole time. There is magic between us, and when the song is over, Lily drags me behind a nearby suit of armor.

Before I can ask she is kissing me. Her hair falls out of it's knot, spilling on both of us, warm, like her lips, as she pulls herself against me, crushing us together, making me feel so good, so happy, like everything's perfect, but she stops suddenly, pulls back, looking scared, and runs away.

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><p>Sorry for the cliffhanger...don't forget to review!<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

This chapter is just to clear up the cliff hanger from the last chapter, so it isn't very long :(  
>Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.<p>

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><p>I find her crying in the hall.<p>

"I'm sorry, Lily." She looks up.

"Why? I kissed you, you d-d-didn't do anything. I should be ap-p-pologizing to you!"

"But it wasn't that you did that! Or was it an accident? So you don't really..." I fade out, crushed, and start to walk away.

"Wait, Sev! I'm just confused right now, I don't understand my feelings, they scare me! I just...can't think about this now Sev, I'm sorry. And I hope you'll forgive me." I wrap my arms around her.

"There's nothing to forgive." We stay like that for awhile, and then she suggests we go back, and I agree. We dance like nothing happened, but it's different for me now. Now, I feel a small flutter of hope inside me, hope that one day she'll return my feelings.

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><p>Review? :)<p> 


	14. Chapter 14

So sorry for the wait, I have a show going on, and it's almost over but it takes a lot of time. Sorry it's another short one, but now I have all the plot openings up and stuff, so from here things will pick up!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

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><p>Neither of us bring up the dance again, to my disappointment. However, things are different now. There are some things we can't tell the other. I hide my friendship with the death eaters from her, and she hides her feelings from me. We end up spending less time together, but the time we do still share is worth more to me than anything.<p>

Today, though, she brings up one of the unmentionable topics.

"I dunno, Sev, I just don't like you hanging around with them. I've heard the things they do! Like what they did to poor Mary!" Mary deserved it, she started it! And it wore off eventually...

"I know they seem a little...rough, but they're really not that bad." If she knew the truth, she'd think them a whole lot worse, "They're not nearly as bad as Potter and his friends!"

"Well..." I bite my lip. What if she's started to like him? "They're not really the same kind of bad...James and Sirius are more arrogant than cruel." She doesn't know about what they do to me. I don't want her to, though.

"What about the other two?"

"What about them?" I go on carefully.

"Don't you think there's something a little...weird...about that Lupin?

"Come on Sev, he's ill!"

"Every month at the full moon?"

"I know what you think, Severus, but you're not going to convince me, he's my friend!" Her voice has gone cold, and I back out.

"I know, I'm sorry, I just don't like them. They are so rude to you!" Her expression softens.

"Sev, I wish you'd just give them a chance...but I'd better be off, I have a study date-"

"With Lupin." I finish for her, smirking as she blushes, but inside it hurts.

"Well, yes, but not like, well...I know you have somewhere to go too!" She shoot back, reflecting my smirk that's now vanished. I have a meeting with the death eaters tonight. Does she know? I shake my head of that thought. There's no way.

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><p>Review!<p> 


	15. Chapter 15

This take place at a death eater meeting, enjoy!

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><p>I arrive just in time, and rush to a seat in the back before I'm noticed. While they accept me, they still tease me for my blood status. I grab my usual seat in the back of this usually empty classroom, the one that some now graduated student used to carve curses into.<p>

After we give the oath of loyalty to the dark lord, Lucius draws our attention to recent muggle news.

"...who died of what is believed to have been natural causes, however after an autopsy, no damage was found to his body." A round of laughter goes through the group, in which I join half-heartedly. These parts of the meetings make me nervous, I always think of Lily. "This was in Rutland on Thursday." He flicks his wand, and a dot appears on the map of Britain pinned in the back. "He's moving fast, hopefully gaining power. And when we join forces, we will finally put the muggles in their rightful place!" A cheer goes through the group, and again I force a grin. But then we get into what I really want to discuss.

"What of the recent attacks to Slytherins?" Avery calls out.

"The Gryffindors are in for a surprise!" I grin for real this time; Potter needs to get what he deserves. "Snape?"

"Yes, Malfoy?"

"Hows that potion coming?"

"It's finished. Sneak it into their food, and Potter and Black will have their stomach lining dissolved so that the acid burns through!" The group starts to laugh, and I feel pleased until Malfoy interjects.

"They were not responsible for the attacks. We do not know who was. I think we should just choose a mudblood to do this to." There's a general nod of assent, but I tense. "What about Evans?" There's enthusiastic chatter, and I panic.

"Wait, we can't!" Silence falls, and my face heats up. Malfoy comes over to me.

"Why not?" He asks calmly, but you can see the fire behind his eyes.

"Because..." I trail off, I can't tell them I like her.

"Snape, I'm aware of your...desire...for this girl, but she's a mudblood! She's never know it was you."

"Please, not Lily!" I beg.

"Snape, be warned; A war is coming. We've made our choice, you need to make yours."

"I have pledged myself to your side, to your cause. Just please, this once, not Lily?"

"...Fine...but you must prove your loyalty soon, Severus. Meeting adjourned." I can't prove my loyalty, I can't hurt Lily. I run out of the room, and turn the corner into the library, where I see them.

They're laughing, holding hands, leaning over the same book. She says they're just friends, but I can tell he, like Potter, wants more. And Lily, she's blushing, squeezing his hand...  
>Maybe proving myself won't be as hard as I thought.<p>

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><p>Just so you know, they're still in second year :) Review!<p> 


	16. Chapter 16

Enjoy!

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><p>As winter fades into a soft gentle spring, my life gets tangled in the lies I weave. Lies to the death eaters that I've stopped being friends with Lily. Lies to Lily that I've disassociated myself with that dark crowd. Lies to the death eaters about my family, saying my mother regrets marrying my father and ruining her bloodline. Lies to Lily about "the marauders."<p>

Lily and Lupin continue to meet to study, and I can tell their feelings for each other are growing stronger. Whenever I see him, jealousy surges inside of me, but I know that they're right, and I'm wrong. Two Gryffindors, both bookworms with an adventurous side. They'd be perfect together, but I can't stop myself from wanting her.

I see Lily even less than before, and I feel the distance between us growing. We've both changed, growing to fit the molds made for us when we were sorted. She becomes more beautiful and daring, and I fade into the shadows. I miss how we used to be, how Lily used to be. The girl who kissed me in the rain over a year ago is gone.

"Snivellus!" I turn around quickly, trying to draw my wand, but not before I'm thrown the ground with Potter and Black standing over me. I look sideways, and I see Lupin reading by a tree, and Pettigrew watching hungrily from the side. "Saw you with Evans today, still think you have a chance?" Potter kicks me in the ribs, and I struggle to move. "Why would she choose you? A beautiful girl like her with a slimeball like you?"

He shoots a hex at me, and I feel blood pouring down my face. Black laughs, then crouches next to me, leaning over me. He's a foot away when he spits in my face, then punches me. He does some sort of spell, and I feel my left arm being pulled up, then straight back over my shoulder so it snaps, and I scream. Potter tries to cover my mouth, but not before she hears me.

"Sev!" I can't let Lily see this. I don't want her to see me so weak, she'll leave me all together for the marauders. But she runs up anyways. "Get away from him!"  
>"It wasn't us, Evans, honest! We found him like this!" James' innocent expression is wiped off his face when she slaps him.<p>

"You're all sick! You two attacking him when he's done nothing to you, Pettigrew actually ENJOYING watching, and...Remus? Why didn't you stop them! You just sat there and let them do this?" He looks ashamed.

"I wanted to, but I...I..."

"You didn't want them to think badly of you? What kind of a Gryffindor are you, watching this happen, being too much of a coward to do something? You're just as bad as Potter and Black!" She mutters a counter curse to whatever was holding me down, then helps me up, and walks me away without looking back.

When we're out of sight, she starts to cry.

"Sev, why didn't you tell me? You said we'd always be friends, you promised!"

"Lily, I wanted to, but...I didn't want you to know I couldn't handle it." She glares at me.

"Well, clearly not, as there's four of them and one of you! Friends help friends, Sev!"

"I know, I'm sorry, and...thank you." Her beautiful eyes soften.

"You're welcome." She dabs at my cuts gently. "I think you should go to the hospital wing, Sev."

"No." I say immediately, and she raises an eyebrow, "I can't give them that satisfaction." And she nods, understanding. "Lily...I'm also sorry about recently. I'm sorry I've let us grow apart, because the truth is I need you." I blush, "As a friend!" I add quickly.

"I need you too, Sev, I always will. Promise this won't happen again?"

"I promise. Friends for always." She grins, kisses my forehead, and runs off like a deer.

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><p>Yay! Next chapter is summer! Review :D<p> 


	17. Chapter 17

Enjoy! This chapter might be a little awkwardly written, I'm sorta sick and distracted.  
>Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter<p>

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><p>Soon the school year is over, although I can't say I'm glad. The rest of the year has been bliss, with Lily downright ignoring the marauders, and spending most of her free time with me. She sits close to me like she used to, and my heart pounds harder than ever when I'm near her.<p>

My only fear is the death eaters and their insistence that I end my friendship with Lily. I keep postponing, but they won't let me keep doing this for forever. Hopefully I'll rise in the ranks enough so that they can't force me.

During the summer, we spend every minute together, avoiding Petunia and her horrible boyfriend. At first things are awkward, with no schoolwork to keep us busy, but soon we slide into our old routines. We read in the forest, and play games we haven't played in years. We talk about everything, anything, except of course the kiss. I want to bring it up, but I'm scared it will separate us.

"Sev, let's not stop here today." Her face is unreadable as she grabs my hand and drags me past our usual spot in the woods. I follow her, confused. We never go too far in, there could be something dangerous in here. But Lily runs ahead, seemingly careless of all around her.

I rush after her, looking around us frantically. The sky is getting darker, and I think it's starting to rain.

"Lily?" She ignores me, running deeper and deeper into the forest. "Lily!" She turns around, and I notice the tears streaming down her face. She staggers back towards me, and I catch her when she falls, weeping.

I hold her until she's calm enough to tell me.

"It's my father. He...he's very sick. They don't know what it is, and they're not sure he's going to make it." She starts to cry again, and I pull her into a hug. I feel guilty when my heart starts to pound.

The rain falls faster, and soon we're both soaked, and I'm reminded of the time last summer when she kissed me in the rain.

"It'll be okay, Lily, don't worry. Have you considered a healer?"

"I don't know how to contact one. The best we could do was a muggle doctor." I grin, glad that I can help.

"Don't you know about St. Mungo's?" She shakes her head. "It's a wizarding hospital! I'm sure that if you bring him, they'll fix him right up."

"Really?"

"Definitely!" Lily jumps and laughs, then grabs my hand and pulls me under the shade of a tree. Before I can think, she's kissing me, and my hand is in her long, wet hair, and I'm pulling her closer. We break apart soon, and she's grinning.

"I'm not confused anymore." I stare at her, trying to figure out what she means, and then I realize, and my grin matches hers. She sneezes, and I grab her hand and run with her to somewhere dry.

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><p>Review!<p> 


	18. Chapter 18

Sorry it's a bit of a slow chapter, I just had to get them all back at school...should be more fluffy stuff in the next one! :)

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><p>Within a few days of Mr. Evan's admission to St. Mungos he is showing tremendous signs of improvement, to Lily and her family's relief. When we head back to school, she's back to worrying about school like usual.<p>

Our families walk through the barrier together. I glance hesitantly at her; up until now we'd been holding hands. She looks worried, and glances repeatedly around her.

"Lily, if you're not ready to tell people, I won't be mad. I mean, our friends hate each other, we don't have to tell them right away." She smiles gratefully and drops my hand. I smile back, but it's forced. Even though I know that this is for the best; the death eaters would not approve.

We get climb aboard the train after saying a quick goodbye to our families, and start our search for an empty compartment. Lily peers into one, then jumps back and runs into the next compartment even though it's full of people. I've almost convinced myself to follow her when Lupin jumps out of the compartment Lily ran from.

"Is Lily here?" He looks around wildly.

"Even if she is, it's none of your business." I say coldly.

"But it is! I'm her friend, I have to apologize. To you too, actually..." He blushes and looks at his feet. I feel a little guilty, they were good friends and I split them apart even though he'd never actually hurt me himself.

"Lupin...I'll pass along the message." He grins.

"Tell her...I'm ashamed at what I did to you, it was wrong, and that I only said nothing because I was scared. I've never really been accepted before, and the marauders took me in. I was a coward, and I just hope she'll forgive me." He pauses, then adds, "You as well."

He turns to walk away, and Lily jumps from the apartment she was hiding in and tackles him with a hug. Once again I feel the jealousy rising, but this time I can quell it with the knowledge that she likes me, not him. Still, I can't help but worry, especially since a full moon is coming up...

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><p>Review!<p> 


	19. Chapter 19

Sorry sorry sorry! I got sick with 3 different things in a row... ignore my pathetic excuses :P  
>Enjoy!<p>

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><p>Lily and Lupin part ways after that, and we continue on to find a compartment in an awkward silence. Near the end of the train we find one with just a sleeping second year. She sits down, and I look around, unsure of where to sit in the empty area. Lily smiles and pats the seat next to her, and I settle down quickly.<p>

"Do you mind not telling people?" She looks right into my eyes with her green ones with such intensity I have to look away. I'm not sure how to reply; I do mind, but I don't want to lose her.

After continuing to stare at my feet and not respond, Lily gets impatient and puts in her own opinion. "Back at the station...well, when I said that...it's not an excuse, but...well, what I mean is...I wish you'd mind." I look up at her as she continues with a faint blush on her cheeks. "I don't want to be a secret Sev. If it has to be kept secret, we shouldn't be doing it. But I don't want to stop. If we're going to have trouble telling people, we should get it out of the way now. It's only going to get harder. I'm sorry I put it off. I'm sorry I let go of you."

I grin, glad that she wants us to matter too, but then remember the Death Eaters. She must have seen my smile fade, because she takes my hand. "We don't have to tell people now, if you don't want. We don't have to tell everyone, even, just a few people so it feels less...temporary." She blushes again, "I mean, I don't want to just be one of those not-so couples, who sneaks around in the dark, like it's a separate world where things work for them. But it's not real, then, is it?" She trails off, looking away. I gently squeeze her hand, knowing I can't say no to her.

"We will tell people. No, we won't tell them, we'll show them! Tonight! I don't know how, but I'll figure it out, and then we'll be real. You're right, up until now it hasn't mattered because it was summer and we had our own world to hide in. Hogwarts is what matters, and it's filled with the people who matter. And I want to make us matter along with the rest." Lily smiles so brightly it's worth the pain the Death Eaters will inflict on me.

For the rest of the train ride I listen contentedly to Lily's ramblings of school and home and friends, but a small part of me can't stop thinking about the Death Eaters, and how being with Lily can ruin it for me.

When we arrive at the castle, we look around for the carriages, but are confused when there are none. I spot that oaf Hagrid and nudge Lily towards him.

"Hagrid," she asks, "Where are the carriages?"

"Ministry troubles, 'ey say the animals tha' pull'em aren' safe." What animals? "So we're all takin ther boats this'er. Had them duplicated, or som'in..." He gestures to the lake, and we climb into a boat together.

The boats start slowly cutting through the water, and heading across the glassy surface to the castle. The silence is almost eerie, and Lily scoots closer to me. We sit in a comfortable silence, which is broken by several shouts and screams, and the manic laughter of a few boys.

Up ahead a giant wave has risen, and I look around the boats to see Potter and Black pointing their wands at it grinning. Lily and I are in one of the first boats, nearest to the wave. She looks at me in panic, and I shrug helplessly. We watch in terror as the wave comes over us, and we're dragged out of the boat and into the freezing water. I manage to stay holding onto her, and we kick to the surface, shivering.

I look at her at the same time as she looks at me, and suddenly we're both laughing. At the situation, the face of the other, as well as the fact that only our boat tipped. Still laughing, I start pulling her over to our overturned boat, and we both grab on.

I reach over and subconsciously push the hair out of her face, and then suddenly she's kissing me, and I kiss back, ignoring the death glares I'm surely getting from the Death Eaters. Because right now, all that matters is a certain dripping wet redhead.

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><p>Reviews? :)<p> 


	20. Chapter 20

If you're wondering about the spells, I got them from google translate's latin :)

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><p>Looking back on my actions earlier in the week, I find myself wishing I could take it back. We still barely see each other because of the separation of Gryffindors and Slytherins. We get strange looks in the halls, and even from teachers.<p>

The marauders, especially Potter, are treating me worse than ever, but are still nothing compared to the punishment from the Death Eaters. They treat me worse than dirt, and practice new spells on me. Worse, they want me to hurt Lily, and it's the only way to get things back to how they were.

I think Lily realizes it was a bad move too. Her friends barely talk to her now, so she's alone in most of her classes. When we're in the same classes, we barely speak for fear of making things worse.

The only times we really share are in the library. Lily, being excellent at charms, agrees to help me with my essays. Most of our sessions don't have much to do with charms, however, and usually end in snogging.

I'm waving my wand wildly, muttering "Pellicius!" which is supposed to give what I want a furry coating. With my exaggerated gestures, which I will not admit to being purposeful in order to hear Lily's laugh, the shirt I'm pointing at starts to sprout brightly colored flowers. Lily, laughs and gently grabs my hand to stop me from my waving. She leans in and kisses me lightly, and I forget about all the troubles I'm having. Right now what we did is worth it.

"We really should get back to work..." Lily whispers, smiling.

"Somehow I think I'll manage without your 'help'" She pushes me away, laughing, then gasps and pulls out her wand.

"Tempus!" A glowing clock forms where she points her wand, and it shows that it's almost past curfew. "Sev, we have to get back to our commons, quickly!" Instead of getting up, I slouch further down.

"Why, we won't make it on time anyways?"

"But we have to try! We can at least get there not far past!"

"Do you want to leave?" She looks at me, confused.

"...We have to..."

"No we don't." She glares at me, and whispers back harshly.

"Yes we do! Maybe you don't care about the rules, but I do!"

"Since when? Lily, we said we wouldn't let the rules keep us apart, remember? Remember when you were wild, and wouldn't let people rule your life? What do you really want to do right now, Lily?" She stands for a second, looking conflicted, then storms out of the library.

I sigh, and start packing up my parchments to head back to my dorm. My eyes are burning, but I brush them angrily, not willing to cry over her stubbornness. Although I was a little rude, questioning her like that, and bringing it up so abruptly...

I finish gathering up my stuff, and while debating whether or not to go after Lily, someone comes around the corner. I start to run in the other direction, when a soft voice calls me back.

"Wait!" I look over my shoulder, and I see that it's Lily.

"Lily!" At the same time we say, "I'm sorry." but I continue, "I shouldn't have said it like that, and tried to pressure you into something you're not comfortable with."

"No, but you're right Sev. I want to stay here and sleep with you." She goes red, and stammers, "Well not with with you, but in the same, well, room, but not-" I laugh, and she stops, embarrassed. I take her hand and gently kiss her cheek, before pulling out my wand and my now ruined old shirt.

"Obtexo!" I murmur, and the shirt turns into a blanket that covers us.

"And why do you need my help in charms?"

"Well...that was transfiguration, technically." She snuggles closer to me under the blanket and we soon fall asleep, to be awakened hours later by the sound of Mrs. Norris meowing.

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><p>Review :)<p> 


	21. Chapter 21

Okay, getting to more plot points! It's all coming together :)

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><p>"Tabescet!" Bellatrix shouts, and I feel as though the sun has descended into the dungeons and engulfed me. I cry as I feel my skin sliding, and watch in horrified fascination as my skin melts like wax. I faintly hear Black laughing, and suddenly the pain stops and my skin is where it should be.<p>

All the Death Eaters applaud her perfection of the new spell, and I force myself to as well. I'm the main subject of their testing now, since I got three days of detention for staying all night in the library with a muggle born. Now that Lucius has graduated and Bellatrix is in charge, people are no longer turning a blind eye to the relationship.

"Severus, do you now understand that what you're doing is wrong? And that you will be punished even more if you continue to dirty your already tainted blood? Malfoy let this go on, but I'm going to stop it. Get rid of the girl, and prove yourself one of us with her pain. And if some dirty muggle blood is spilt, so be it." Never has she been this forceful before, so I nod, and she grins back maniacally.

I hurry out when the meeting is over, and rush to the library to meet Lily. We've been seeing each other more and more since our detentions, and we have trouble keeping our hands to ourselves in public. I run in, knowing I'm late, and when Lily sees me she immediately looks concerned.

"Sev, what's wrong?" I realize belatedly that I'm probably a mess, and still dripping sweat from being used as a human candle.

"Er, it's nothing really-" Her glare cuts me off, and I decide to just go for it, since she's gonna find out anyways, "Actually, it is something..." I decide not to tell her everything, "Some of the people I know, well, they don't approve of our relationship-"

"Why do you care, then? If they don't want what's best for you, they're not really your friends."

"But, it's not as simple as that! There are other factors, like, well..."

"Bloodlines?" I gape at her, and she sighs and continues, "Sev, I know all about what you do, and the people you do it with. I just don't understand why. I'm muggle born, and you don't think there's anything wrong with me, do you?"

"No! It's just, well, I don't know..." It's just that she's different. But I know she won't understand that, so before I know it, I blurt out, "You're right, Lily, I'll stop." But I know I won't.

She smiles, and when I see that relief that floods her face, I realize how much stress I've put on her, and I watch it wash away happily. I manage to subdue the guilt in the back of my mind about lying to her by reassuring myself that she will never know. I panic when I remember my situation with the Death Eaters, but thankfully Lily saves me.

"But what about those people? Won't they be mad that you're leaving?"

"Yes! They will... Lily, maybe it would be best if for awhile, we made our relationship secret again?" She nods, but then frowns.

"But won't people be suspicious if we break up without a fight?" I grin, realizing Lily is giving me the perfect way to solve my problems.

"Maybe...we should fake one."

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><p>Reviews are loved!<p> 


	22. Chapter 22

This might be my last update for a little longer than usual because I'm going on vacation where typing might not be an option... enjoy the chapter!

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><p>As Lily comes up with the perfect plan, I can't help but wonder at what's happened to her. She's still as beautiful and powerful as she was when I first met her, but over the past couple years she's become tamer for the most part, and is only her old wild self alone with me.<p>

I know I shouldn't be glad of this, but it makes me warm inside to know that I'm that different to her. It's amazing to know that someone as incredible as Lily looks at me that way, with her deep green eyes. And along with a quieter personality, Lily has matured in other ways as well.

As she's turning 14 in a few months, it makes sense that she's growing taller, and filling out more. She's about my height now and still thin, but also curvy. She keeps her hair back now, sleek and neat instead of wild, and it's also a little browner than before. Her eyes lost some of their innocent look when her dad was sick, and from them alone she looks older. But, they're still the bright green color that stands out from her pale skin and fiery hair that I fell in love with.

Watching her, I forget why I want to be a Death Eater, and why I have to lie to her about it, and keep our relationship secret. I'm jeopardizing everything with Lily to be part of something that a portion of me doesn't understand. But then I remember that what we're doing is bigger than anything I can imagine, and that I'm doing it for Lily, in a way. I'm doing this to give her a better world (even if it's one where her heritage is looked down upon).

The plan has to be made so that it is widespread that Lily and I have broken up, and it has to look painful for her, but it also has to not get me in trouble. Lily came up with the idea of having her sport a fake injury then come to me angry so that it would be implied that it was my fault, but there would be no proof, and people would assume it had already been reported.

As I paint her face with fake blood and deep purple spots, she speaks to me.

"Sev, I just want you to know how happy I am that you're stopping this, even if it involves pretending we're not together. Because this is more important. And it's not your fault you started this, if I'd been in Slytherin I'm sure I'd have hated mudbloods too."

"Lily, it's not like that! We don't hate mud-muggleborns, we just recognize the differences that are typically found, so that there is fairness and order."

"So you still believe in...them, then?" She looks hurt and angry, and I immediately try to take it back.

"No, of course not," I lie, "I believe in you, and us." She smiles, but then frowns again.

"I know you're going to try to get out of this deal. But I won't let you. What you did is wrong, and what's worse is you've lied about it to me for years. But just because I'm angry doesn't mean I'm not going to help you. Just remember that if I find out you're back with that group... well, I can't really be with a person who hates what I am, can I?" I know she's serious, so I nod, and she gives me a grim smile.

"Probably should get on with the fake breakup." I nod again, and we head towards the great hall to make a scene.

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><p>While we fight, it's not Lily I'm thinking about, even though I should be. I know I'm hurting her, and possibly ruining our relationship, but for some reason, all I can think about is if they'll buy it. So I watch Bellatrix from the corner of my eye, and try not to grin when I say her nodding.<p>

Even if Lily's angry now, it's worth it. I get to keep both things most important to me in life, with only a small sacrifice. Things are working out.

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><p>I'll read and review a story of yours if you review this chapter! (and I'm not trying to beg reviews, I just like finding new stories :D )<p> 


	23. Chapter 23

Sorry for the slow chapter, the next one will be full of action!

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><p>And so life goes on, and things are finally looking up. I have the girl I love at my side, I'm fighting for a better future with people who respect me, and I'm far out of the reaches of my family.<p>

The only people who can spoil my happiness are those blasted "marauders." Now that they think Lily and I broke up, Potter and Black never cease tormenting me. The pranks are getting more and more violent, leaving me black and blue and bleeding.

Potter is trying to win Lily's heart again (although, he never really stopped) and it's leaving her short-tempered and grumpy. However, the one who's the worst of all is Lupin.

He pretends that he's normal, and he's good at it. So good that he's befriended Lily. So good that people believe his excuses for missing class. But not me. I know that he's a monster, and nothing Lily says will change my mind. I have to prove it to her, she's in danger every minute she spends with him, we all are.

I tried to explain the situation to Professor Dumbledore, but instead of not believing me, which I would have understood, he almost seems like he already knew. And I'm sure that the Marauders know as well, and relish in it. To imagine those monsters with a werewolf on hand is a horrifying idea.

But as much as I hate to admit it, I have no proof. I've followed them for weeks, with no luck. He's a master of deception, and the Marauders are masters of mischief. And the full moon is tonight, who knows what poor student will be pulled into Lupin's bloody claws.

"Snivellus, just who I was looking for." Black comes around the corner, that obnoxious smirk on his face. "I've noticed that you've developed a nasty little habit of following us around, and seeing as I can't stand the sight of you, this has gotta stop. And I think I have a solution that will work out for both of us. You wanna find out where we go once a month? We'll be in the Whomping Willow, figure out how to get in and you can see what we do."

He smirks at my badly contained glee and leaves me. Finally, a way to prove to Lily that Lupin really is a monster. To think that Sirius Black of all people just helped me and all the students who are being endangered. Maybe he's more of a Black than he lets on. Or maybe he just has more common sense than Potter and Pettigrew, and knows that by keeping that monster in the school he's endangering all of our lives.

Either way, by tomorrow morning I'll be able to tell Lily I've seen the monster with my own eyes, and when the board finds out he'll get expelled. I set off to the tree, thinking of how to get passed it's branches to become a hero and prove my worth to Lily.

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><p>I don't mean to be a Marauder basher, usually I'm a big fan (especially of Remus) but that just wouldn't make sense from Snape's POV. I'm gonna keep up the review for a review thing :)<p> 


	24. Chapter 24

Super sorry for the long wait (again). Unfortunately, I'm very busy this year, so writing will have to wait for days off from school.

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><p>Black never specified a time, but I figure sunset is probably about right. So up until then I have time, for once, to be with Lily. Since we'd both finished our homework early, we had time to just relax.<p>

We decide to meet by the edge of the forbidden forest, since no one ever goes there. She sits next to me, with her head on my shoulder, eyes closed. I rest my head on top of hers, also closing my eyes.

With Lily, I don't have to pretend. I can be myself. I don't have to be a Death Eater, wanting to rearrange society, and watch every word I say. I don't have to be a perfect Slytherin, who hates Gryffindors, who is good at potions, who lives in the shadows. Sometimes I do want to see the light, be with other people instead of by myself. Excel at charms and blow up a cauldron.

I know Lily feels this way too. With me, she doesn't have to know everything. She doesn't have to be a fighter. She doesn't even have to be brave. She can flee to me when she is done clashing with the warriors of the school. Together, we can just BE.

"I can't wait for the summer." Lily mumbles sleepily into my shoulder.

"Me neither. Then we can just do this all day. With no houses to get between us. And we won't have to hide in a dangerous forest either." She smiles, and raises her head up to face me.

"I wish I could see you more." She looks like she wants to say more, but is hesitating.

"Is something wrong?" She shakes her head, but frowns.

"I don't think so. It's just... sometimes I get the feeling that I'm not what's on your mind when I'm with you. Like tonight."

"You are, though! I mean, tonight I do actually have to meet some people soon, but usually I can't get you out of my head. And not just when we're together, all the time. You make the rest of my life worth it, Lily." She smiles, the lines of worry washing off of her face.

"Sev, you know I... I really like you. You know that, right?" I didn't know that, but I nod, grinning.

"And I really like you too, and I just wish I could show it to the world. But I actually have to head out now. But I'll see you soon, and then all summer." I lean in to kiss her goodbye, but it somehow turns into much more than a quick peck on the lips. We were still trying to take things slowly, but lately we've been spending a lot of the little time we have together snogging.

Eventually I get away, a little later than planned but a lot happier. I practically run to the Whomping Willow, so excited to prove myself right. Once I get there, I stand a great distance from the trunk, just out of reach of the long, dangerous branches. I scrutinize the scene for a few minutes, trying to think of a way to get passed the branches.

After 10 minutes of not advancing without being hit by the tips of branches, I start walking away, frustrated and angry. Black knew I wouldn't be able to get passed the tree, that's the only reason he told me at all. I don't even know how he got in! There must be another way in that they take. Where could the entrance be, though?

The most likely answer is somewhere in Hogwarts. There's probably a tunnel or something that leads to the tree. I'm sure they know of passages the rest of the school doesn't, they're always disappearing. But finding a passage in the school within the hour would be impossible. Besides, they would have been caught by a professor if they snuck around the school after dark.

Maybe it would be in Hogsmeade? It wouldn't be in the Three Broomsticks, people would have found it. It must be in a place that no one goes. Maybe the Hog's Head? But people still go there. The only place no one goes is that haunted shack. Where one in a blue moon, horrible screaming is emitted that keeps all wizards away. Or rather, once in a FULL moon, I think as I laugh and start towards the Shrieking Shack.

Once I get there, my bravado disappears quickly at the strange sounds coming from within. It sounds unearthly, and so different from Lupin I can't imagine it's him making that horrifying sound. There's no way it can be him, Lily's right, it's such a long shot. I'm most likely wandering into a house of ghosts or evil monsters. But still, I have to go, if Black got in there, so can I, and if Lupin really is a werewolf I have to protect the school.

I force myself on, farther into the house and closer to the noise. I hear howling, but I know that if I just see the monster, I can prove it to Lily, and I'll do anything to keep her safe. Maybe if I kill it, I don't even have to explain to her.

The next corner I turn, all I see is fur and claws and teeth, and the yellow of the monster's eyes. It howls a terrifying sound, and leaps, but before I'm ripped to bits by the monster's piercing white fangs, I'm pulled away. The shack is a blur of pain and fear until I'm thrown onto the cold ground outside. I look up blearily at the person who saved me.

"Potter?!"

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><p>Reviews are loved :)<p> 


	25. Chapter 25

Happy hurricane to my fellow East-coasters! I just got my wifi back, or I would have updated sooner. Anyways, this is the second to last chapter of 3rd year, but don't worry, we're nowhere near done!

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><p>"Potter?!" He's on his hands and knees, gasping for breath, sweat pouring down his face. Inside the shack I hear the wolf howl. Potter attempts to stand, but falls again, panting. For a second I have the urge to laugh when he falls, but then I remember he just saved me. I grudgingly help pull him to his feet.<p>

"Thanks." I mutter, half wishing he'd left me to the werewolf, so I could have avoided this awkward apology. He nods, still catching his breath. I wait for him, impatiently, eager to report my findings to Lily and the Hogwarts Board of Governors. Finally he can speak.

"Snape, don't tell anyone. I could have left you there, but I didn't. You owe me." I glare at him in disbelief.

"Even you can't possibly think this is safe! With Black going around tricking his enemies into going to the werewolf's hideout, and the likelihood that the werewolf escapes, it's not right to have this going on near students."

"That's not your reasoning, you're just jealous because Lily likes him too."

"Well, at least she likes me at all, there's no way she'll ever go out with you!"

"I wish I'd left you to the werewolf!" Potter shouts, but then immediately he tries to calm himself. "You know what, Lily has nothing to do with this. The truth is you owe me, and I expect you to pay me back by keeping your trap shut. I'll make sure Sirius gets punished for hurting you and his friends, and Remus will never hurt another student again."

I don't want to agree to this, it's unsafe for the students, for Lily. And it means Lupin will still be around to take her away from me. But I can't be in debt to Potter. So I nod, and he leaves, and I go back to find Lily, fully intending to not tell her one word of what happened.

But of course things don't go as I intend.

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><p>Reviews will get me through the hurricane :)<p> 


	26. Chapter 26

Reminder of what's happened: Snape sees werewolf-Lupin, James saves him, Snape goes to see Lily. Slightly awkward chapter, but it had to be done. Enjoy!

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><p>"I can't believe you, Severus, thinking that I wouldn't know what you were doing. Do you really think that little of me? You leave me on a full moon, and come back scratched and battered, and you expect me to believe nothing happened?" Lily's face is contorted with rage, and she looks angrier than Severus has ever seen her.<p>

"Why are you so angry? I did this for you! To keep you safe from the monster! And if it weren't for Potter, Lupin would already be expelled and you'd be out of harm's way!"

"I can't believe that I'm actually on Potter's side instead of yours, but I also can't believe you can be this cold-hearted. Remus is my friend, whether he's a werewolf or not. Werewolves are normal people for almost all of their lives, and they deserve the same chance at education as we do. I'm glad that at least Potter understands that."

"I knew you'd take his side! You always say you don't like him, but I see the way you look at him. You like me fine, but if you thought you had the choice you'd pick him. Of course you would, he's a Gryffindor, he plays quidditch, he's friends with everyone, including that werewolf, and he's braver than I'll ever be." Lily's face softens for a second, but then she looks away, and continues speaking in a shaky voice.

"Jealousy isn't an excuse to do what you are doing. You should know by now that I don't like James, and never will. But if you can't trust me, I don't see how we can work out."

"But I do trust you! It's him I don't trust. All the other girls fall for him sooner or later."

"Since when am I part of 'all the other girls'?"

"You're not Lily. You've never been, not to me." Lily holds her angry composure for a second, then breaks down crying. I quickly go to her side, and gently wrap my arms around her. She calms down soon.

"Sev, I don't want to be mad at you, you're so important to me. But I'm only just realizing that maybe we're in different houses for a reason. We have different morals, different values. But that doesn't matter to me. What matters is that you trust me, and I trust you. And you have to trust that Remus is a good person, and he'd never hurt anyone." I hesitate, not wanting to let this matter rest. But I can't have Lily mad at me. I can't lose her.

"I trust you. I won't do anything involving Remus." Lily smiles, but then adds on.

"And you have to trust me that I think James is an annoying brat who's hurt me and my friends. I don't want anything to do with him, and never will." I don't believe it, I've seen how they look at each other, but I nod. Lily fondly wipes the hair out of my face, and tries to straighten my ripped robes. With her so close to me, I can't help but ask the question that's been on my mind for some time.

"You know," I begin, "Seeing as school ends for the year next week, we're going to have all summer together."

"Yes?"

"Well, I mean, we've been going out for awhile, and I was wondering, seeing as we'll have a lot of time together, and I really like you, I was thinking maybe we could, you know, do some more things that, you know, couples... do?" Both Lily and I go red, and she lets go of my robes. She coughs nervously before speaking.

"Sev, I know we've been going out for awhile, and I want to do some of those things too, but I'm just not ready. I mean, we're young, we have awhile. We don't have to rush things."

"Of course, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to suggest anything you didn't want." My face is burning, and I can't believe I even suggested what'd been in my head for months. Of course she doesn't want to.

"Don't be sorry, I'm glad you asked, I can tell it's been bothering you and I want things to be open with us. And someday I definitely want to do more, but right now I'm happy where we are. But I'm only happy because I can see a someday in our future. I want to be with you, not just for a time measured by months. I'll see you later, okay Sev?" She leaves, and I smile. Someday.

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><p>I really don't want to be annoying, but it would be super nice if some of the people who read this story reviewed it. I completely don't expect everyone to review, but if every once in awhile you could let me know how you like it, or if you have any suggestions or questions, that'd be great :) But thank you to those who are reviewing, it really means a lot :) Completely forget I said this if I'm coming off as annoying, I don't wanna bother you guys, I'm very glad you're all reading it!<p> 


	27. Chapter 27

Sorry for the awkwardness last chapter O.o But what else can you expect from a 14 year old boy? This one's more fluff!

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><p>Summer with Lily is like a dream after the school year. Finally, we can be together without having to hide it. I don't have any Death Eater duties over the summer, so I don't have to lie to her, and we just generally are more at ease with each other.<p>

Once again we can spend all of our time together, and after we finish our summer homework we can just be us. And Lily is so different when she isn't surrounded by her schoolmates. With me, she doesn't have any expectations to live up to. She doesn't have to be the sensible one, she can be wild too.

She cut her hair for the summer, and I like it. It curls under her chin and shines almost purple in the sun. Lily's started wearing makeup, which looks great because it's on her, but she doesn't need it. Her eyes appear bigger and greener, but the stuff is goopy to the touch, and she was beautiful without it.

Since school has ended for the year, it's almost like she's a different person. With the short hair, makeup, and wild attitude, she's much more exotic than she was at school. She's also grown, in multiple ways. She's stronger than she used to be, hardened by the cruelty of people towards muggle-borns. She also grew taller and curvier this year; now she's about my height. She has all different muggle clothing now that seem much more mature than her worn out old clothes.

During the day we sit under our favorite tree and talk. I'm never able to talk to people easily, and everything I say comes out awkwardly. But for some reason, with Lily I can talk freely for hours at a time without running out of things to say. I love just sitting there, playing with her hair, while she weaves flowers into halos. Sometimes she sings softly, and sometimes she dances, spinning on the dirt and tossing up the leaves around her bare feet.

She laughs more now that the pressure if off, showing off her white teeth peeking out from under her soft pink lips, coated with sticky gloss. I hate the feel of that against my mouth instead of her naturally soft lips. I told her once, and she got angry, saying it was her decision, but I've noticed she wears it much less now.

Today it's raining, and I venture out to the tree just in case. By the time I get there, I'm soaked, but I'm glad I decided to head out, because I see Lily waiting at the tree.

"Does this bring back any memories?" I know what she's referring to. The time just before we left for our first year at hogwarts when she kissed me in the rain.

"Not yet. There's something missing." Lily laughs, then comes over to kiss me. Today she isn't wearing any makeup, and instead of her new outfits she's wearing an old tee-shirt that's clinging to her in the rain. Her hair is slicked against her neck, reaching her shoulders when wet, and looking more brown than red. Her eyes have a wild, mischievous glint in them, and I start wondering if maybe she's only wearing her old clothing because she knows she's going to get dirty.

Slyly, she takes my hand, and with no warning takes off at a run, dragging me behind. We're laughing like crazy, constantly slipping and falling on the muddy ground. We're both panting heavily, and she's practically dragging me along. She looks cold, and wet, but determined. We burst through a clearing, and she stops, gasping for breath.

Once we both have rested, I look over at her, and start to laugh. Her hair is pushed into her face, and going out in all directions. She's absolutely covered in mud, and her clothes are sticking to her like a second skin. She glares at me when she sees me laughing.

"Don't make fun of me, you're a mess right now too."

"No, I'm not. You actually look great. Beautiful, really." She grins, and she really does look pretty, despite the mud. She looks like herself, without the makeup and nice clothing. "Why did we run here, anyways?"

"I thought we could go swimming in the rain." She gestures to a small pond mostly hidden behind the trees. I laugh, always surprised by her daring. We both run for the lake, jumping in and hitting the water at the same time. It's cold, but Lily comes close to me and kisses me, making me warm all over. Our feet can just reach the muddy bottom, and we stand on tip-toe kissing for a minutes, before Lily pulls away.

"Watch me dive."


	28. Chapter 28

Thanks for all the lovely reviews! Enjoy :)

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><p>For the first time I'm almost reluctant to go back to Hogwarts. Hogwarts is my home, and I love it because it's where I started understanding who I am, and it keeps me away from my father, but it also keeps me away from Lily. I know that what I do with the Death Eaters is right; it's what has to be done.<p>

But I don't want to go back to that, I want to stay with Lily, where my life is simple. Maybe she's right, maybe it's not what I should be doing. How can I do something that goes against the person I love? I keep telling myself that it's for our future, but really it's just for me. But I don't know if I can quit, Bellatrix doesn't let people go easily.

Lily and I carpool to the station in her parents car, and sit in the backseat together. Lily is curled up against me morosely, with both of us realizing that this would be the last time for us to be together in public for almost a year.

"Sev, promise me something?"

"Anything."

"That this year will be different? That we won't let things get between us? I know that you don't like Remus, and I don't like your old friends, but we shouldn't let other people hurt our relationship. We're gonna be for forever, Sev, right?"

"Of course we are. I promise, it'll be better from now on."

"Good. And if they are, maybe other things will be different too." She smiles slyly, and I turn red, but feel bubbly inside. I want to talk continue on that subject, but her parents have stopped talking and I don't want to be overheard.

Reluctantly we get out of her parent's car, and head towards the train. When we see someone from school, we drop hands to avoid suspicion.

"Sev, you know we can't sit together on the train."

"I know." I have to sit with the Death Eaters anyways.

"Will you meet me tonight?"

"Like in first year?"

"Like in first year."

"Definitely." I look around to make sure I don't know anyone around us, then lean in for one last quick kiss in public. We go our separate ways, to sit in different compartments, and I already miss her.

Unfortunately, Rodolphus spots me and beckons me towards the compartment with Bellatrix, Avery, Mulciber, and the others.

"Snape! Did you enjoy your summer with your mudblood father?"

"No."

"Glad to hear it. But it couldn't be anything compared to mine. I met him."

"Him?" Mulciber questions, resulting in him being punched in the face by a manicured hand.

"The Dark Lord. I met him and he is everything we are hoping for. He will lead this world to a brighter place, where wizards are where they rightfully belong; above muggles. And we will be alongside him." We all grin, although for some reason the smile doesn't come readily to me.

"But he won't be interested in people who can't do what he did. He cleansed his family tree of any impurity. And we have to be willing to do that if we're going to join him." Bellatrix looks at me while she says this, and I feel my blood turn cold. Does she want me to 'cleanse my tree' too? What does she mean by that? Already I've been dragged into something I don't know if I can do, and I miss the simple summer with Lily like crazy.

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><p>Review?<p> 


	29. Chapter 29

Sorry for the sad/short chapter... it gets better next chapter! Enjoy!

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><p>Impatiently I wait for the sorting and the feast to end. Luckily none of the other Slytherins are talking to me, so I eat quickly and sit silently while anticipating dismissal. I can't help but glance over at the Gryffindor table periodically, and most of the times I look over at Lily she's looking at me. We both blush and look back down at our plates, but can't help but look up again.<p>

When Dumbledore finally sends us to our commons, I lag behind. Soon Lily and I are the only ones left in the Great Hall, under the magnificent starry sky. She walks over to my, smiling slightly.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too. I wish I could have sat with you." Lily takes my hand, grinning.

"We'll get through this, Sev, we can still hang out together, we'll find time."

"Will we? We said we would last year too, but look what happened. I hate being apart from you, Lily."

"Sev, you can't think like that, we have to try. I hate being apart from you too, but maybe it's for the best." She blurts out the last part, then looks away.

"What?"

"It's nothing, nevermind."

"What do you mean, it's for the best? Don't you... like being with me?"

"Of course I do! You're my best friend! But I'm starting to worry that maybe that's all we should be. What if I start to like someone else? I'm scared things are moving too far and too fast."

"So, you want to break up?" I can't believe it, after the amazing summer we'd had. Things had been so perfect, and she wants to end it? Doesn't she understand how much I love her?

"No! Maybe. I don't know! I need time to think. But I still want to be with you! Just not in that way."

"Lily, I can't be with you at all if we can't be together. I can't handle it, and it wouldn't be fair to you."

"So you'd rather not be with me at all than to be with me as a friend? Is that all you ever cared about in me? I thought you liked me for me?"

"I did. But clearly I wasn't enough for you."

"Well if you're going to be like that, then maybe it would be better for me to not see you at all!"

"Fine!" I storm off, red with rage. Only once I reach my dormitory am I calm enough to understand what has happened, and only once I'm in bed do I cry.

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><p>Review?<p> 


	30. Chapter 30

Sorry for such a short chapter, it's a transition one, the next one should be longer and considerably happier. Enjoy!

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><p>School is completely unbearable without Lily beside me. I didn't realize last year, but without her my days seem so pointless. She was my only real friend, and without her all I have are the Death Eaters.<p>

And without her even that loses meaning. I was doing it for her, and if she hates me then there's really no point. I settle into a schedule of intense working, and while my grades go up, I'm miserable.

I often see Lily and Moony walking together, and I think he's interested in her. I haven't seen her reciprocate the feelings, but I'm sure she does. Sometimes I even see her talking to Potter and Black, although this usually ends in her hexing them.

It takes all of my will not to go running up to her whenever I see her. I want more than anything to run up to her and tell her I'm sorry. Tell her that I shouldn't have rushed things, and that I desperately need to be friends with her. But I can't, because that would be giving in, and I'm not brave enough to do that.

Sometimes I see her look back, and when she does she blushes and looks away. Sometimes she looks back again. I wonder how long she was thinking of separating herself from me.

Everything seemed so perfect over the summer, I can't imagine that she was considering it then. She must have decided on the train that I'm not good enough.

And I don't blame her; I'm not. Lily's perfect, the most beautiful, smart girl in school. She's brave and kind and interesting. I'm plain, cowardly, and not a people person. We were never meant to be together, we're too different. She's too good for me. But I at least need her as a friend, and I need to tell her.

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><p>Review?<p> 


	31. Chapter 31

So guys, we broke 100 reviews! THANK YOU! Enjoy :)

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><p>I send Lily and owl, asking if we can talk. She doesn't respond, so I send her another, and another, and another, with the same result. I almost want to give up, not believing that she doesn't even want to talk about what happened and see if we can fix things.<p>

I start believing that I'm the only one who really cared about our relationship, and that I was just someone who she dragged along, easily replaceable.

But then I see her looking over at me, and I realize that she's at least still thinking about me, and us. And maybe she just doesn't want to talk by owl. But I don't know if I can talk to her in person. I'm scared I'll say something wrong and lose her forever. And I can't lose Lily, she's the one thing in my life that matters to me. Without her, everything loses meaning, and it took her leaving me for me to see that.

So I try to approach her, realizing that it's my only choice if I want her back. And I almost sigh in relief when she sees me heading towards her and doesn't turn away. Instead she smiles and heads towards me too.

"Lily, I'm sorry. You have every right to want to see less of me, I should have accepted that instead of getting angry. I just hope that we can still be friends."

"Sev, I'm sorry too. You're so important to me, and it took being apart from you for me to realize that. I shouldn't have let your anger set me off, you had a right to be angry. I just don't want this to cost us each other, because I need you Sev. Friends?"

"Friends." I confirm, feeling happier than I'd felt all week. I only wish Lily would tell me where we are, because I don't know if we're over or back to how things were before. But I suppose if we're at least friends that's all that matters.

Lily smiles and squeezes my hand, and asks me to meet her later. I agree, even though I have a Death Eater meeting which I'll have to miss. If I'm going to win Lily back, she has to start coming first again.

"See you later, Sev. And Sev... I was wrong. I was scared and I was wrong." Lily leans in and kissing me quickly, before running around the corner. I can't help but laugh I'm so happy, because Lily is mine again.

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><p>Andddd they're back! Review?<p> 


	32. Chapter 32

So an update: This story will never end. Just kidding, it will, we're over half done I think, so I'd say that we'll conclude around the 60 chapter mark? Just an estimate for those who are interested :)

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><p>As the meeting with Lily approaches, I get more and more nervous. What made her change her mind? I don't want to think too much about this because I have her back, but I have to know what I did wrong. What if she thought she could do better, but then gave up? What if she'll change her mind again?<p>

We meet in the library just before curfew. I approach Lily, who is also looking nervous.

"Sev," she begins, "before you say anything, I think I should explain something. I didn't stop liking you, I liked you the same as always. That was the problem, it felt so... normal. Which was amazing, since it was summer. But then we went back to school, and I was scared that normal wouldn't be enough. But now I know that everything doesn't have to be fireworks, because without you all I wanted was plain, old, and regular."

"It's okay, I know you had your doubts, and I don't blame you. Maybe next time we can just talk about them instead." Lily laughs, and moves closer to me before continuing.

"But now I don't even know what I was thinking, because there's no way either of us will ever be normal." I snort at that, and Lily takes my hand.

"I'm sorry." She whispers, and she has such a sincere look in her eyes I completely forget why I was ever upset. In response I lean in and kiss her lightly, before pulling back, grinning.

"Don't worry about it. As long as we're together, things will work out."

"Promise?" Lily asks seriously, with a slight flicker of fear in her eyes. I realize she's talking about more than just school. Lily knows what's going on in the world; she's not blind to the violence against muggles. A pang of guilt goes through me, knowing that I'm part of the reason she's scared. But it's for her own good... right? And I'll keep her safe, I know I will.

"I promise." Lily smiles, but I can tell that she won't let go of her concerns that easily. Absentmindedly she strokes my hand as her eyes draw circles on the floor.

For awhile, we just sit like that, and I do everything I can to soak it in. I try to remember. Remember her smell, the light on her hair, the way her eyes are distant and far-away, yet deep and oh so present at the same time. The way I can feel the magic rebounding between us, and I know deep inside of me that this is the way things should be, and will always be. She will always be my Lily.

"We should get going, it's almost curfew." Lily startles me out of my thought, and I grudgingly agree that we should leave. She get's up and lets go of my hand, then hesitates before starting to walk towards her commons. She pauses once more and turns back to face me, clearly indecisive, before muttering, "Goodbye," and speeding off.

I am so mesmerized by the way that her hair falls against her shoulders as she runs, and the way that her feet practically don't touch the ground, that I don't think to follow her and figure out what she wanted to say.

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><p>Next chapter we'll figure out what that was about! Review?<p> 


	33. Chapter 33

Enjoy :)

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><p>And so life goes on. School is tough this year, but I know it'll just get worse next year. As usual, I excel at Potions and Defense, but I'm abysmal at Care of Magical Creatures. And the meetings with the Death Eaters have gotten worse as well. When I'm there, I feel powerless, which is the opposite of what should happen.<p>

I should feel on top of the world, because I am. I'm a wizard, one of the most powerful people on earth, and I'm making important potions for the purposes of the Dark Lord himself. But because of my father, I might as well be dirt to them. Not only is he horrible to me, but his blood is as worthless as mud. Even at Hogwarts I can't escape him.

The only good thing in my life is Lily. I know that if I'm going to keep her I have to pay more attention to her. So we hang out practically every night, even if it's just to do our work. And it makes the year bearable, even though I know that at night I'm going to have to go back to the Slytherin commons where they'll treat me like they would my father.

Lily's stressed too, with her schoolwork, her gossipy friends, and the constant harassment from the 'marauders'. I wish more than anything that I could keep her from them, but no one knows we're together, and don't even think I could anyways. As much as I hate to admit it, Black and Potter are both stronger than me.

Today for lunch we met by the lake, but in the shady area that's close to the forest that most people are too scared to sit by. It's getting chilly, so I let Lily wear my robes over her shoulders, and we snuggle to stay warm.

"Sev, can you name another two spells that require multiple people?"

"I'm sorry my class doesn't meet until tomorrow."

"That's okay, I think it's time for a break anyways." Lily grins wickedly, then leans in to kiss me. She brushes her lips against mine gently, and just as I lean in to kiss her back she pulls away slightly. She grins again and whispers, "Let's have a little...more... fun." I blink, surprised.

"What? I mean, really?" She smiles, scooting closer to me.

"Yes, really, you want to do more with me, right?" She's just a few inches away from me now, so close that I can count the light freckles on her nose and see the tangles in her dark red lashes.

"Lily, I do, I really do. But we just had a fight, and I thought maybe we should take things slowly? I know you're sort of confused right now, and I wouldn't want to let you to do something that hurts you."

"I'm not going to break, you know."

"I know, I know, it's just... I really missed you when we were apart. And I don't want to lose you again, I need you to be mine."

"I'm not a bloody object!"

"That's not what I meant! Look, I was just trying to be sensitive to what you want."

"I told you what I want."

"But are you sure?"

"I can make my own decisions, Severus!"

"You know what, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I can never do anything right for you, I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you, and-"

"I love you." I freeze, not sure I heard her right. It was almost a whisper, and she wasn't looking at me when she said it. But I know she said it because she's waiting for my response, not moving a muscle. I cautiously take her hand and pull her closer to me.

"I love you too, Lily." She smiles a real, happy smile, and leans back into me.

"I hate fighting with you, Sev. I have to fight all day, and I need to be able to relax with you."

"Then we won't fight. Don't worry, it'll all work out, Lils."

"I love you." She says again, but more like she's repeating it to herself, with a distant smile on her face. So we stay like that, thinking of everything and doing nothing, knowing that we'll always be there for each other.

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><p>Finally she said it, yay! Review?<p> 


	34. Chapter 34

Okay, that was the end of the fluffy break, back to the plot (and some fluff to come)! Enjoy :)

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><p>The words fall on my ears, but it's as though Professor Dumbledore is speaking in a different language.<p>

"What?" I ask mutely, knowing what he's saying but not believing it.

"I'm sorry Severus, but your parents are dead."

"What do you mean?" It's not true, I must have misunderstood. Things have been so good, this can't be happening to me right now.

"I'm very sorry for your loss. You will, of course, get whatever time you need off to spend with family and mourn. You will be excused from all school related activities for as long as you wish."

"You're lying." This can't be happening. I can't have seen my broken, loving mother for the last time just three months ago. I can't be free from my father.

"I'm afraid I'm not, Severus." I sit silently for a moment, and it finally hits me. I start crying, because it's all over. In just a second, everything good in my life becomes meaningless, and I feel like I'm breaking. For the first time I feel guilty for hating my father, because even if he never cared, he's always been here until now. And my mother, so destroyed from her marriage, from being abused by her drunk husband. She never had a chance, she died alone and hopeless. And I did nothing.

"How?" I manage to ask through my tears. Dumbledore looks away, troubled

"There was... an attack." That's all he has to say before I know. That it's all my fault. I might as well have the blood of my parents dripping from my hands, because Death Eaters killed them. He doesn't have to say it, because everything falls into place. I should have done something, anything, but I didn't, and now I'm alone. We weren't perfect, but we were a family, and they're gone forever. I run, ignoring Dumbledore's calls for me to return.

I don't know how I end up there, because I was running blindly. The world faded away, replaced by an angry throbbing red screen and hot tears. I don't know how she ended up here either, but somehow Lily's here, and she's by my side in a second.

She holds me until I can speak, and once I can I tell her what happened. I tell her how Death Eaters killed them. I see tears forming in Lily's eyes, but she holds them in, for me.

"Sev... I'm not saying that what happened is your fault. But they're gone, and it's because of the Death Eaters. You owe it to them to stop seeing those people." She never believed me when I said I quit, she just stayed quiet about it. She loves me even though she knows what I am. But more importantly, she's right. I didn't kill them, but I could have. If I don't learn from this, their deaths are in my hands.

"You're right, Lily. For them, I'll quit. I promise."

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><p>Dramatic chapter, and more to come! Review? :)<p> 


	35. Chapter 35

This is the last chapter taking place in the forth year, I think. Enjoy!

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><p>The weeks go by, and the pain doesn't fade. I've stopped going to the Death Eater meetings, and although they haven't confronted me yet, I know they will soon. It's only a matter of time before they force me back, I can't deny it.<p>

I'm growing to hate it, and everything it stands for. The Death Eaters killed my father, and they won't let me get away either.

Lily tries to be there for me, but she doesn't understand. Despite her rebellious streak, she's never done anything bad. She's never been bad. And I can't help but resent it. Resent that she's had life so easy, that she's never been misguided. Maybe she would be bad, if she'd been through what I have.

The Marauders are the worst thing that's ever happened to Lily, but she doesn't seem to realize it. She may act annoyed, but I know she's starting to enjoy it. Behind the insults there is nothing.

I see the way her eyes follow Potter around the room, and how she blushes when he catches her watching. She doesn't want to believe it, but someday she'll fall for it, and it sickens me.

But then today, I notice for the first time the red circles under her eyes. I know she's been crying, and I don't know why. She doesn't trust me anymore, and I don't blame her.

Maybe she doesn't have things is easy as I thought. She's just better than me; she's still good, no matter what happens to her. And I should have known that. At one point I did, I knew that Lily is pure and perfect, but somewhere along the years I lost that.

So when I meet her that afternoon, I immediately wrap my arms around her, because that's all I can do. She doesn't tell me what's wrong, but she smiles for the first time in a while, and I smile too, because when Lily's happy I can almost forget that I'm alone, because when she's smiling at me I don't feel it.

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><p>So, on another note, if any of you are ScorpiusAlbus fans, I'm writing another story called "Stargazers" if you want to check it out :) Reviews are loved!


	36. Chapter 36

Sorry for the wait! Enjoy :)

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><p>After school ends, our relationship gets more serious. In school, we always had to be careful. If we got caught, that would be the end of it. We wouldn't be able to fool people again, we'd have to stop seeing each other. We never said it, but we know it's true. It's one of those things that doesn't have to be said, and just fills up the room, squeezing us down.<p>

But none of this matters over the summer. We do all the things we used to, but it's a summer of new things too. We swam in the lake, and sat under the trees, but we also left the neighborhood. We saw shows, met new people, went to dances. All muggle things, but with her it was somehow fun.

I stay with her, since, well, I don't have anywhere else to go now. Her family don't mind, they are very sympathetic, and they let me stay in the guest room, right next to Lily's. On a lot of nights she knocks on the wall, and I know she wants me to come in. Sometimes we just curl up together and read, and other nights, she's more in the mood for some fun.

The thing is, doing physical things with Lily doesn't feel scary. If it were anyone else, I wouldn't know how or what to do. But we figure things out together, and can laugh about it later. It feels so natural, so right, that it just reassures me that she's the one, the only one.

And finally, I think she feels the same way. Because I've never seen Lily be herself around anyone else. And no matter how jealous I get, I can always think, I'm the only one who really knows her. I'm the only one who's been her friend from the start, before she turned out to be such a talented witch. No one else loves her for all of her. She's always been beautiful to me.

Today, we both got our Prefect badges, and her parents are so proud. And not only of her, of me too. I'll never stop being grateful for her, for all of them, for taking me in. I loved my family, and I'll never forget them, but until now I've never been loved. Lily's parents love me, and Lily loves me.

Sometimes all you need is a bit of love.

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><p>Reviews are loved!<p> 


	37. Chapter 37

Enjoy!

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><p>Fifth year starts as both the best and worst year. On the one hand, my relationship with Lily has never been better. She loves me, and I've never loved her more. We spend every minute we have free together, and there's no tension between us anymore. She knows everything about me, and I think she's told me everything about her.<p>

But I don't know what to do about the Death Eaters. I've been avoiding them, but I see Crabb and Goyle sending me dirty looks, and I know I can't stay away without an explanation forever. And the truth is, part of me wants to go back to them. Not everything they do is perfect, but I could help. I could turn them around, to make sure they never hurt people like my parents again. To make sure they don't hurt Lily. The only reason I don't go back is Lily, who's been with me through everything. How could I betray her again?

Also, I'm having troubles with the Marauders again. Especially Potter. He doesn't know Lily's with me, but he knows we're closer than we let on. And he hates it. Black goes along with it like a puppy, but Potter's the one who has the real malice.

I don't tell Lily, it would only upset her, but it's as bad as it used to be, before she intervened. Lupin clearly disapproves, but he does nothing. And Pettigrew... he's barely there anymore. I think I've seen him at meetings sometimes.

But it's okay, because no matter what the Marauders do to me, I still can go back to Lily at the end of the day.

"Severus?" Lily asks me, just as I finish my charms work. She looks beautiful tonight, more dressed up than usual, with her hair in curls and her emerald eyes lined.

"Yes, Lily?" She just smiles, and takes my hand, and I realize what she wants, what she's ready for. I kiss her slowly, wanting to show her in every second what it means to me, what she means to me.

"I love you." She tells me after, and when I say it back, I've never meant anything more.

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><p>Yep, that's all you get of that scene! Sorry :)<p> 


	38. Chapter 38

And here's the first half of the chapter I've been waiting for for over a year! Sorry for the wait!

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><p>"Five more minutes!" Flitwick shouts out in his high, squeaky voice. I'm scribbling as fast as I can, cursing myself over my lack of knowledge in shielding spells. Of course, I haven't been studying much anyways. I've been so busy with Lily, not that I've minded that until now.<p>

I still can't believe it, I've been with her for years but it still seems so fast. So fast that we've grown past those innocent nights together. You can't stay young for long during a war, I guess. But at least we fell together, we're still together. As long as that's true, I honestly don't care about a stupid OWL.

I scribble, nose practically touching the paper, and groan when Flitwick calls out quills down. I look around the room, and am glad when it seems like most others were just finishing up too. Although when I glance over at Lily, I see that she's been done for some time, as she has inky drawings climbing down her left arm. Near her are Potter and Black, who are smirking over God knows what.

On my other side are Lupin and Pettigrew. Lupin looks as though he'd finished ages ago, but spent the remainder of the time checking over his questions. He looks a little sick, probably because the full moon is coming up. I think I hate him most of all. And I almost smirk when I see Pettigrew, leaning over to attempt to sneak the answers off his neighbor's paper. I don't mind him as much as the rest. He doesn't taunt me, and he doesn't neglect his power and let me get hurt.

The paper flies right out from under my quill, and I smirk as Flitwick is knocked to the ground under the combined weight. Lily rushes to help him up, but a mob of students is already swarming in the other direction, pushing me away. I remember we decided to meet by the big tree anyways, so I head out. It's warm, a beautiful day, and now that I'm done with exams I can finally relax. I sit down in the grass to wait for her to join me. We'll probably go somewhere else once we meet up, we still agree it's best not to be public.

"Haven't seen you around, Snape." It's Avery and Mulciber, and I stumble to get up, staggering back into the tree.

"No." I almost add an apology, but then stand strong for once. Maybe I am sorry I left, and maybe I'm not, but none of it matters, because Lily said no. And I don't want her to control my life, but I don't want her to leave either.

"It's alright, don't sweat it, I see it. Beautiful little wrapping to a dirty little mudblood." I flinch, and that says it all. "You'd better come to the next meeting.

"I... I can't." I can't do this to her.

"Come back, or we'll make you wish you had. We'll make her wish it, too." My eyes widen at the suggestion of hurting her. My mind's decided instantly; I have to keep her safe. "And you won't be telling anyone anything, Snape. We've got a mission, nothing silly can get in the way." I nod, barely understanding. I just know that I can't tell her. It's going to start all over again, with the secrets, and the discovery, and maybe this time she won't stay.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" Potter calls to me, and I try to slouch away, hoping he won't pursue this. Usually, he doesn't taunt me so much in public. Usually he lets it go.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment." Black chimes in, following after Potter like a dog. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word." I try to get away, because Lily's always telling me that some fights I can't win. I try to do what she says, but this time she's wrong. I feel ropes ensnare me, wrapping me up in invisible twines. They burn my skin, but the laughter from the Marauders is worse.

"You wait." I gasp out from the pressure of the ties, staring them down, wishing I could hurt them with a just a glare.

"Wait for what?" Sirius laughs, lounging back against the tree. "What're you going to do Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

"You fucking arseholes, you're not fit to hold your fucking wands." I shout at them, still trying to break out of the constraints.

"Wash your mouth, Snivellus. Scourgify!" Potter waves his wand indifferently in my face, and immediately I'm choking. I try to gasp and I can't get any air, I'm being gagged by the bright pink bubbles, spilling out of my mouth. I collapse on the ground, laughter pounding at my ears.

"Get away from him!" I hear a soft, beautiful voice interrupting their laughter. The bubbles stop, and I breath in sweet air. I look up blearily, and it's Lily. I know I shouldn't be noticing this in a time like now, but she looks beautiful in the light.

"Hey, Evans, how's it?" Potter asks in a completely different voice, a gentler voice, one I hate even more.

Lily ignores this, and heads towards me. "What has he ever done to you?" I look away, because she's fighting my fights, and no matter how much I love her, I hate feeling in her debt. And then I see them, and my blood freezes. They didn't leave, they're watching. So many Slytherins, watching to see how I'll take this. Avery smirks, eyes sliding over to Lily. She's saving me, but she's the one in danger. I know I have to help her, but I don't know how, I just know it has to be soon.

James responds in that uncaring manner I hate so much. "Well, it's mostly just him existing, if you get me." The group around us laughs, Gryffindors and Slytherins alike, all except Lily and the werewolf.

"Oh, you think you're so clever, but you'll always be a bully, and arrogant, selfish jerk." Lily retorts, angrily rubbing her arm like she does.

"Go out with me, and I'll never touch a Slytherin again." The jinx is wearing off, and I start to struggle against the bonds. I don't know what I'll do once I get out, but at least I won't be this vulnerable. Maybe I can grab my wand quickly...

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was between you and the giant squid."

"Oh, tough luck Prongs." Sirius laughs as Lily shoots another glare at James. I break out of the ropes, they'd stopped paying attention. "OY!" Sirius sees me, but it's too late, I slashed my wand through the air, and left James bleeding. I love the sight, I know it's sadistic, but him in pain is a nice change. But Sirius waves his wand, and before I can even register anything I'm hanging upside down.

TBC

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><p>The second half of this chapter's done, I'll post it soon. Reviews would be loved!<p> 


	39. Chapter 39

Enjoy!

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><p>"Oh, tough luck Prongs." Sirius laughs as Lily shoots another glare at James. I break out of the ropes, they'd stopped paying attention. "OY!" Sirius sees me, but it's too late, I slashed my wand through the air, and left James bleeding. I love the sight, I know it's sadistic, but him in pain is a nice change. But Sirius waves his wand, and before I can even register anything I'm hanging upside down. I struggle to push my robes up as they slide up over my knees.<p>

"Let him down!" Lily shouts somewhere beneath me, and my face flushes, because one again she's in power, and everyone's watching. The Death Eaters are watching, and they aren't happy. She doesn't know how unsafe she is, and I can't even tell her.

"Sure!" James answers, and I come crashing to the ground. But of course Sirius won't let this happen.

Sirius shouts "Locomotor mortis!" And once again I can't move, although now I feel like a board.

"Stop it!" Lily shouts, and I guess she took out her wand because I feel the spell lift. I struggle to my feet, glaring at Potter and Black with utter loathing.

"Lucky for you Evans was here, Snivellus." I know it's supposed to hurt me that I needed her help, and it does, but I care more about the frowning Mulciber. This isn't how it's supposed to go, and things have to go right or Lily could get hurt. And I realize what I have to do. I have to break her until she leaves. At least for a little while, until they stop looking. I can tell her later.

"I don't need help from some filthy Mudblood." I say it softly, but they all hear me. They all freeze, because to a Gryffindor that word is wrong. But it's Lily's reaction I'm watching. Her eyes shatter, and although it hurts, everything will be alright. There's a silence outside until she responds.

"Fine, I won't even bother next time. Better wash your underwear, Snivellus." She walks away, still looking like a beautiful doe, just as she did when we met at age eleven. Except she's never walked away before, not like this.

"Apologize!" Potter shouts at me, and for once I don't blame him. Maybe he is better than me, and maybe Lily will realize that.

"Shut up, Potter, you're as bad as he is. Showing off all the time, messing up your hair... you make me SICK." She hesitates, she just wishes she hated it. I know she doesn't really. She runs away, and I wish I could call her back, but the Death Eaters look satisfied and that's what matters. Black's eyes flash, and before I can pull out my wand, I'm flipped again.

"Who wants to see me pants Snivellus?" Potter shouts, but, then he's knocked over, but I can't see how, my robes are over my face. I fall out of the air, and quickly straighten my robes. I look up and see Mulciber and Avery pinning Potter to the ground. Black's lost his wand, and Lupin seems unsure of what to do.

"Welcome back, Snape." Avery calls to me, but I can't smile. I get up and run instead, because I have to reach Lily. I can't lose her, even to save her.

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><p>Reviews are loved :)<p> 


	40. Chapter 40

Sorry for the short chapter, but enjoy!

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><p>"Lily!" I call after her, following the flash of red hair I see rounding the corner. "Lily!" Nothing is going through my head about the Death Eaters, or Potter, or Black. It's all about her, like things should have been all along, like how they were when I hurt her. I did it for her, I had to. Or maybe I'm just too scared of any alternative.<p>

"Don't even start with me, Snape." She bites out, spinning around, eyes furious. "How could you...?" Her eyes turn hurt, and tears fill to the brim. She stops running, but the look in her eyes is worse. Worse than hurt, there's... disappointment. Hatred. Like nothing I do can change the way she feels.

"Lily, I didn't mean-"

"Don't call me Lily! I don't want you saying my name." She turns away again, wrapping her arms around herself, her face tilted down.

"I had to!" I had to do it. There wasn't a choice, I had to let her go. Like I let my mother go, I think, but then I shake my head. It wasn't like that.

"No, you didn't. What, for your Death Eater friends to respect you again? You promised, Snape, and you lied." I see nothing of the love she showed me just yesterday. I never knew a relationship could change so quickly, with just one word.

"I never went back to them, I didn't lie! All I want is to keep you safe."

"I don't need you to protect me! And you did lie, you promised you'd never call me that, and you just broke that promise." I look into her eyes, and it's like she's a different person. I can't see any love at all. Because she's right, I did lie. I make so many promises, I don't remember how many I've broken.

"I did what I had to do. I'm not sorry." Lily looks at me one last time, and then turns to walk away. And she's beautiful, so beautiful, even as she's walking out of my life.

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><p>Reviews are loved!<p> 


	41. Chapter 41

Thank you so much to my reviewers! You guys are amazing :)

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><p>I've never spent so long without talking to Lily, but I'm standing by my morals. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Lily, even though this is probably the hardest thing that could be asked. I'm back with the Death Eaters, and I try to forget that some of them are monsters, that I'm fighting with the people who killed my parents.<p>

I hate myself, and Lily isn't there to hold me and make it all go away. And she never will be, because I can't get her to understand without putting her in danger. I wish I didn't want her back, because any time I'm near her they could see us, she could be hurt, and my name could be written on her grave. I don't want her to love me if it kills her, even though being apart from her is killing me.

But I try to make her smile, even if I can't talk to her. I send her a lot of flowers, although I stop when I see her smiling at Potter. I know I hurt her, and her friends either aren't there to help her or she's just not letting on, but Lily's breaking and maybe Potter seems like her only choice.

It takes a lot of effort for me not to curse him, to let them get closer and closer while Severus is pushed away. But she needs someone, and it can't be him. Still, if he follows her in the hall, making sure that no one hurts her, she'll never know, and neither will the Death Eaters.

"I know what you've been doing, Snape." He hears a cold voice behind him, interrupting his thought. It's Lily, looking no less angry than when they broke up.

"What do you want me to do, Lily, forget anything ever happened between us?" I snap, turning away from her. I wish I hadn't said that, it's not like I have a right to be angry at her.

"Don't you dare yell at me, you're the one who broke anything that was between us. I gave you everything, Sev, I even gave you my virginity! But it's over."

"I know, and I'm sorry-"

"No, no apologies. No excuses. If you loved me like I loved you, you never would have said that to me. There's no forgiving this time, it's over. I mean, really over. We're done, Sev. We can't be friends, I won't even look you in the eyes. I'll never come back to you." She finishes, her voice strong despite the tears streaming down her cheeks that cause me to start crying too, because I'll never be able to wipe away her tears again, and it's finally hitting me how long forever is. I'll die without kissing her, holding her again.

And I can't stand it, so I don't say anything, I just turn and leave, because Merlin it's really over. But suddenly a warm hand is wrapped roughly around my wrist, pulling him back, and her lips come crashing onto his harshly, angrily, and I know it's not forgiveness but I don't care.

Because I've missed the feel of her against me, having my fingers running through her hair, the smell of her. And I can't think, can't think of how it's wrong, how I'm just hurting her by doing this. Because I love her, and I'll never stop, even to save her. She pulls away, a slight smile on her face, and her fingers in my hair.

"I hate you." She whispers, before straightening her robes and leaving without another word, leaving me more confused and hurt than ever.

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><p>Reviews are loved :)<p> 


	42. Chapter 42

Okay so someone pointed out to me that I switched POV's in the middle of my last chapter... sorry guys! I'll try not to make that mistake again. Anyways, enjoy!

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><p>"I'll never love you again." Lily screams at me, tears streaming down her face as her fingers tangle through my hair. I ignore this, because it's been the same all these weeks since that day, with her hating me, but not leaving me alone. Of course, it's not like I've tried to stop her. I need Lily, and if this is all I can get, I'll take it, even if it kills us both.<p>

"Leave me alone." She whispers, our faces inches apart, and I see so much in her eyes. Hurt, pain, anger, hatred, sorrow. But I don't know if she loves me anymore, and I hate it. And as she kisses me, I realize that not knowing is maybe even worse than knowing it's over. But I can't pull away, not yet at least. I let her keep holding me, and I kiss her back.

"Help." She murmurs into my ear, a prayer, as she becomes a beggar for her own sanity, her own dignity. And suddenly I understand; it's up to me to make her stop with me, it's up to me to help her, even though I don't want to. I hurt her just like she hurt me, and she's broken because of it. And I know that I'll feel better if she does, so it's for me too.

"You've got to stop doing this, Lily, it's tearing me apart. Make a decision, because I can't live like this. Do you love me?" In her eyes there is realization and fear, and before the brimming tears can leak out, her eyes narrow and mouth curves down, closing me out again.

"Never." She says calmly, and walks away, but I'm not surprised or scared. Because she's not walking softly, she still has a weight on her, she'll be back. And she is. Because neither of us are ready for this to end yet, no matter what we say.

"I hate you!" She yells at me, before grabbing me roughly. But I won't let her win this time.

"No you don't. You can't." I say bitingly, trying not to feel bad for being mean to her. But she starts to cry, and I can't help but feel terrible for hurting Lily even just a little. "Lily, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." She doesn't acknowledge anything I've said, just breathes deeply, getting control of herself.

"Potter...James, asked me out. I said yes." And Lily runs out of the room, and I'm left broken-hearted, without being able to comfort the taken girl I love.

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><p>Feedback would be much appreciated :)<p> 


	43. Chapter 43

I'd just like to thank all of my reviewers because sometimes I forget to respond or you're not logged in but I really love you all!

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><p>After Lily tells me she's dating Potter, I don't go out much. I don't want to see them together happy, I don't want to see the woman I love in love with the man who torments me. It could kill me, and a part of me doesn't believe it still, that it's all over. If I avoid it, maybe it isn't true.<p>

But today Lily approaches me, and I stand my ground. I'm tired of running from her, from the truth. I have to end this, whatever has become of us. Because it's wrong, and killing us both.

"Hi." Lily says weakly, coming to stand next to me hesitantly, like all the fire's gone out of her. It's sad, really, but a part of me finds it almost bittersweet, because we made each other better, and Potter is bringing her down.

"Why are you here?" I ask bluntly, wanting to get to the point and get it all over with. I'm tired of all of this, and I'm going to end it once and for all, because I'm sick of love, and I'm sick of Lily.

"I'm here, because..." She murmurs softly, but then trails off, eyes wide and imploring, and for a second I don't see the sorrow or fear, I just see those beautiful deep emerald pools and they pull me in. I don't know who starts it, but our lips meet and she kisses me wildly, sloppily, like she has nowhere to turn. I know I should pull away, but I can't. Luckily, she does, conflicted tears on her cheeks.

"I miss you Sev, but we can't do this. I.. I lied. I'm not with Potter. But I can't be with you anymore. It's all too complicated and fucked up and I did it all wrong... can we forget it all? Can we be friends again? Please, I can't do this without you, everythings a mess." She looks more frightened than I've ever seen her, and I realize that her problems have nothing to do with me.

She needs help, someone to talk to, and I've just been making things harder for her. Something's very wrong with Lily, and I realize she just needs a friend. But I don't know if I can do that, with someone who lied to me. That's what I tell myself, but really I just don't know if I can stop loving her, even for her. It's selfish, I know, but I never claimed to be a Gryffindor.

"I don't know." I don't know what's tearing her apart, and I should care more than I do. But what I mean when I tell her this is that I don't know if I can be her friend alone. I don't know how she interprets it, if she thinks I can only see her as more, or if she thinks I'm still angry, but she nods.

This shocks me, because the old Lily would have flared up at me for being a bad friend and letting things get between us. For breaking a promise to not hurt her, to help her. But she's a mess, and I let her leave without bothering to find out why. Part of me hates myself, but the bigger part has already pulled away from her, from everyone. It's safer, really, in the shadows.

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><p>This has gotten a little angsty, but I promise things will brighten up soon! Reviews are loved :)<p> 


	44. Chapter 44

So this chapter is slightly lighter than the past few, enjoy!

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><p><em>Then.<em>

_A thud is closely followed by a shatter, and my eyes open to glass hitting my floor. Immediately I tumble out of bed, cursing as a piece of glass lodges in the side of my foot. I pull it out numbly and carefully walk to my window._

_"Sorry!" A gentle, familiar voice calls up urgently, and I look down on the grinning face of Lily, looking slightly guilty. "Come down?" She calls, leaning against the wall of the house and smiling up. I nod, grinning, and quickly close the curtains, rushing around to find unwrinkled clothes._

_Nervous to get downstairs, I give up and grab a jacket to pull a jacket over my pajamas, and run a comb through my hair before popping in a muggle breath mint and hurrying out the door._

_"Took you long enough." Lily murmurs, pulling me close and breathing in my ear. The fabric of her oversized shirt is thin, and I pull her tighter against me, her bare legs against me. "Miss me?"_

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><p>Now.<p>

She's sitting by herself under our tree, flipping pages and not reading them. I can tell, I know her expressions, and she's in a place all of her own. Her hair, which had just been growing longer like it used to be, has been cut short again, curling lightly around her ears.

I start to walk over to her, but change my mind. I don't know if I should, I don't know if people are watching. This isn't me anymore, it can't be. But I can't stop myself from smiling when she looks up, a small 'hi' forms on my lips, and I can't help but be made slightly happy when she smiles a little bit back.

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><p><em>Then.<em>

_"Why am I awake, anyways?" I ask, trailing after her as she checks around the corner for cars or late night walkers. She's still in her night shirt, and isn't the kind of girl who wants to get caught._

_"Night on the town? Jeez, Sev, live a little." I laugh as she runs to the street lamp and spins around it, eyes fixed on the sky above. "I wish there were more stars out tonight, but nothing's perfect. Things tonight, though, they'll be pretty perfect."_

_"Will they?" I ask, catching up to her and pulling her off the lamp and up against me._

_"I've got it all planned out. See, what's going to happen is we're going to talk, just the small stuff, nice and polite. Then you'll ask me to dance, and don't worry, I'll say yes. Then, the music will be turn slow, and you'll wrap your arms around me and kiss me. Nice and slow, just perfectly. Then you'll walk me home, and kiss me goodnight before helping me climb back through my window. I won't watch you walk away, that'll spoil it. No, we'll end with a kiss."_

_"Sounds nice." Which is a lie, because it's not nice, it's perfect, and so is she._

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><p>Now.<p>

The next time I see her is potions across the table, and she hardly looks up, hand working swiftly and accurately, chopping even more finely than I am. She's onto the next step, and I notice a second before her that she forgot to pick up the unicorn hair, and that Slughorn will be annoyed if she has to ask for it. I quickly slide half of mine across the table, knowing that my potion won't turn out fantastic, but hers will at least work now.

"Thanks." She mutters, and her fingers linger over mine as I let the silver hairs slip out of my hands. I realize, this is what love is, doing anything for a person even when fighting.

"Lily…" I start, but just then class ends and she stands up quickly.

"I'm sorry, I have to go." She mumbles, and heads towards the door before hesitating. "I'll… I'll see you soon?" She asks, and before waiting for my answer, she heads out the door.

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><p><em>Then.<em>

_In the middle of our slow dance, it starts to rain, and I move to pull my sweatshirt over both of our heads, but Lily stops me, grinning widely._

_"Don't." And so we dance in the rain, and when the song that isn't playing finishes, I kiss her gently, slowly, and then without a word I start to walk her home._

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><p>Now.<p>

"Severus." I turn around, and she's standing there, smiling shyly, wearing her school tie loose and muggle jeans instead of the school uniform.

"Hey." I say weakly, and she smiles a little wider.

"Wanna study together?" She asks, and I know she's trying to move past it all without a big thing, and because she's Lily, I let her.

"Sure."

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><p><em>Then.<em>

_"Goodnight." She whispers to me, kissing me quickly through the window panes. I jump down from the ledge and walk down the road. I know I'm not supposed to, but I can't help but glance back at the window. Lily broke the rule too, because she's watching me walk away, a sad expression on her previously joyful face. _

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><p>Don't forget to leave a review!<p> 


	45. Chapter 45

So sorry for the wait! Here's a long one :)

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><p>I haven't talked to the Death Eaters since I broke Lily's heart with a single word. I hate them for pulling me down this path that Lily hates, for making me feel superior, and for not letting me go from their clutches. I still feel the pull to go back to where I'm important, with a future in something memorable, where I'm better and powerful and where I can win against Potter and Black.<p>

Avery approaches me, and I stand strong, not shuddering or flinching as he smiles, because that's what he wants. He closes in on me, holds me in place, and whispers quietly in my ear.

"The muggles and mudbloods first." Avery shoves me back against the wall, and I close my eyes as I feel the cold stone thrust against me, paralyzing and fiery. When I open my eyes again, he's gone.

Lily is back, and it's like she never left. She's beautiful and perfect, with none of the shadows behind her eyes. Maybe the time apart was good, or maybe she's finally figured things out, but she's happy, and I honestly couldn't care why.

"This is nice." I decide, pulling her closer to me. She smiles lightly, but says nothing, and continues reading. I lean in to kiss her, but she pulls away.

"Not now Sev." I nod, because I think I understand. It's too soon, I guess, although I don't see why.

"Sev… do you ever think that you have everything figured out, but then you realize that maybe… maybe, you were looking at things all wrong?"

"I don't think so, I think I really do have things figured out." I reply, smiling, because it's me and Lily, Lily and I, and what could be wrong about that? Lily sighs slightly, although maybe I imagined it, it could have just been an exhale. We sit in silence, and she stares at her book, but that's all it is; staring. Her eyebrows are slightly furrowed, and I know she's thinking hard about something.

"Sev, I have something to say, and you're not going to like it." She says finally, with the air of someone who just made a decision.

"Then don't say it." I blurt out, because I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear anything that isn't good and perfect. Things have sucked, and I don't want to go back to that. I don't deserve it.

"I haven't been happy for a long time. And I thought you were helping, because I loved you, but I realized the two were unconnected. You left me alone, Sev." I say nothing because she's right, because I don't want to fight anymore. I know I can do better, and she'll see.

"Severus… I said yes. To James. We went on a date, and… it was nice." She smiles, and I search it for a trace of bitterness, but it's pure and perfect and put there by Potter.

"You didn't tell me." I reply, face blank.

"I know. I needed to see… I needed to see if we could still be happy like this, just as us. And now I realize we never really were happy. I was running, Sev, and you were just trying to keep up. I need a friend, and that's not you anymore. I've missed you, but only because I never got to say goodbye." She says it with a certainty that makes me furious, because it's not fair that I don't get to make these decisions. It's always been her, and she's taking advantage of that.

"Why do you get to do this to me?"

"Do I have a choice?" She challenges, and suddenly Avery's words come back to me, and nothing else seems to matter in comparison.

"Lily, something big is coming, and you need to get away." I know I'm breaking all the rules, but if it's for her, then it doesn't really matter. "You're in danger, and I obviously won't be near enough to keep you safe." I add bitterly, not able to keep my tone straight.

"I'm a big girl, Severus, I don't need a hero." She replies, and I picture Potter, the Gryffindor, brave and noble and everything she doesn't want.

"Please, Lily… please, run." She shakes her head, and I picture her, eleven years old and just as stubborn, refusing to let me ever have my way.

"I'm done running." She hesitates, and then, quickly closes the gap between us. "I'll always love you. Always." Lily whispers to me, eyes bright but dry, her expression firm but resigned. She kisses me gently, but it's more of a goodbye, a goodbye to the way things were. She walks away, feet light on the ground, red hair lit by the dim hall lights. I realize I didn't look at her eyes, and that's what hits me first. That I can write her, I can say a passing word in the hall, but I'll never look at her and know that we're each other's again, although a part of us died a long time ago.

She'll love me, and I'll love her, but that's all there is to it. We're destructive, wrong, but we both know it should have been. And no matter what happens, it's over, because someday she'll tell someone else what she's always been telling me. Always. That's what we are, a promise that can't quite come true.

And I know what I have to do, to keep her safe from something she's too stubborn to admit is real. She may forget, but I never will, and I'll never let anyone hurt her.

They all smile as I greet them, the potion's master back at his post. I realize that maybe I'm not so special, because there's another boy pouring ingredients now alongside me. Replaceable. But at the same time, part of something bigger. More important than rank or school or the girl in the hall who won't meet my eyes.

I go back to them, but I can't say that I mind it.

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><p>Reviews would be amazing :)<p> 


	46. Chapter 46

Time skip! Enjoy :) Also I've stopped getting emails from this site for some reason, so I apologize if I don't respond to a review.

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><p>School seems to both fly by and drag on, second by second, a stretching time line with no visible end. Yet there's nothing to hold onto, so I get dragged along with it, driven fast through his work that is slipping. Summers are worse, with nowhere to spend them, and each day in the temporary housing facility a small part of me feels bitter towards the Evans. I know we aren't friends, but I need them.<p>

In a way, though, it was almost a good thing. The falling out. Because now I'm where I'm meant to be, and there's no guilt holding me back. I'm doing this for me, I'm righting the world, and it feels amazing.

After graduation, I follow the rest. It's an easy choice, since I have nothing to lose. I mix potions, I follow old schoolmates, I spy and steal and I'm good at it. A part of me knows I'm in too deep, but I'm rising up and we can't be stopped. We're righting the world, I tell myself. So that a muggle can never hurt a wizard again, or a father his wife. So that magic is recognized, loved, respected. So that I'm on top, for once in my life, and the Gryffindors who torment me will glower from beneath, with no hope of scaling to my level. It'll be too late for them.

I still listen for word on muggle-born treatment after victory. With every attack I wince, because I know we're one person closer to Lily. It shouldn't matter, but it does. I don't date, or even think about it. I know I still love her, and I always will. But now, I don't want to. I don't want to wait around for a girl that won't happen, or hope for someone who's lost. She's happy, and so am I. She should be on her own.

I commit to my work, and I hope that that will be enough. But when I hear that Lily's engaged, I know that it shouldn't be over between us. I know I have to see her again, just once.

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><p>Reviews are much appreciated!<p> 


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